Are you alive?

As I sit here and really think about the life I've already had, it amazes me. I've lived in some amazing cities, I still call home and visited many more around the world. I am so blessed to have the friends I have and am excited everyday when I think about who I may meet.  The opportunities I've been given are endless and I'm so glad that I said yes to them. 

I also recognized that if I had let fear engulf me, I wouldn't have moved to all these cities, traveled to the others, met all these amazing people, I call friends and been given all these opportunities. I looked fear right in the face, took a deep breath and had nothing but faith that it would all work out because I wasn't going backwards. 

For some reason, I don't have a reverse. When I left the east coast for the west, many thought when things got tough I'd go back. I'd just look at them crazy and say..."huh?" That was never a thought to me. It was always "ok, whats next?"

Where are you in your life? Is it what you wanted or are you stuck? Is going backwards an option or do you push forward, excited at the next opportunity that will come? Are you in a career that gives you the life you want and inspires you? Do you realize you can have anything...and I mean ANYTHING, if you are willing to stare fear in the face and laugh at it?  What's the worst that could happen? You learn and then you try something else, but you are moving towards your dreams and it will make you feel ALIVE! So are you living?

This is our one shot. We don't get a do over in this body, at this time. Are you living the life of your dreams or are you just waiting for the clock to run out? The amazing life you want is out there and it's achievable.  I know because when my life hits a wall, I start looking for opportunities and they will FALL into your lap when you are open, I promise you! 

Fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. Are you going to let something that you've made up in your head stop you? You want to know true fear, go walk on fire. I've done it. It's real and it CAN hurt you but get your mind in the right place and you will be unharmed on the other side. So why do we let the THOUGHT of "what if I fail?" stop us? It's JUST A THOUGHT! Fire is hot but a thought...is still JUST a thought. 

So. How do you want your life? Feet cemented to one place, going through the same grind day after day? Or do you want to fly and have endless possibilities? It's really quite simple. Open your eyes and your mind...then decide. :)

Sent from my iPhone

I have something to say!!!

I know its been a super long while since I've written anything, but its usually because my life is a bunch of crap.  And so....well, its still a bunch of crap but I'm now back in the world of cyber-dating.  Oh, yes, I said it......I'm BACK, meaning I've been there before and honestly didn't like it the first 47 times.  And no they don't have a t-shirt, but thanks for asking.

No, no, this is about the "bait" that guys are using to reel us ladies in on the internet and there seems to be a few trends.  The first one is the "Dig Me".  They are the guys that think their car should speak for them.  This is what one of them looks like and lemme tell ya, I think its pretty funny that we have a better shot of the car than HIM!  Sign me up! I'll date his CAR!! But does HE have to actually be in the car too?  Ugh.  Forget it then.

MmmmHmmmmm, moving on.  While we are on the subject of cars, can someone PLEASE explain why guys like to take pictures of themselves in their cars and most times, actually DRIVING?  What is that all about?  Its obvious that they took the pics themselves but what is that really about? We can't see the type of car that it is unless you know a thing or two about cars like I do, but most women don't so I don't get it.  

Hold please while I ask my male friend.  Hopefully he can clear some of this up.  In the meantime, check out these "I'm-driving-in-my-car-and-think-I-look-really-cool" pics.  Oh and also check out the Blu Blockers that ALL of them are wearing! Hey 1992 called and it wants its sunglasses back.  WTF?

Look a preppy driving and taking pictures of himself! Yay!

Ok, so update from a guy.  He says that a.) guys take pics in cars because they are usually all dressed up and going somewhere so they think they look the best and/or b.) guys won't ask friends to take pics of them.  He could not, however, explain why some dudes are actually driving while they are taking their pics.  Thinning the herd I suppose.  I just hope they don't thin those of us that don't wanna be thinned! 

Nice chain dude.

Oh and gents, another thing, why are NONE of you smiling? Would it kill ya to show some teeth?

(Don't even get me started on the Ed Hardy.  Thanks Jersey Shore.)

"I'm the driver of a limo, so this isn't even my car.......but I still look good.....yeeeeaaaa"

Ok, this guy looks good in his sunglasses but he looks mean.  I don't like mean.  Mean is mean.  Mean is like, someone stole my donut and now I'm mad mean.  Mean.

Next we have MORE sunglasses, but this time its from his mom's kitchen.  Yippee!!  Mmmm, whats mom cookin'? Smells delish!  Must be fish head stew because ole boy don't look too happy.  MmmHmm.

Maybe it wasn't mom's kitchen but Uncle Sergio's.  Uncle Sergio? Is that you??  You're on here too?  And this is your main profile pic?   Mmmm, we need to talk about the wife beater, reading glasses and the "sauce" on the counter.  Sends the wrong message I think.

Oh shoot and cousin Pedro! I didn't know....I mean, its cool yo, I just didn't think......cuz you know.....you said you and the ladies are......well, yea.......I mean.......nevermind.  Uh, but put on a shirt would ya?  Thanks.

Now we have one that makes perfect sense! Ok, not really, unless you are in the market for a perfectly formed and groomed.......tricep!  Yep, there it is!

But why?

(*shaking head*)

Nice boobs by the way.  They are so......perky.

Moving on.....

Next we have.....and I'm not kidding you.....this is the guys MAIN and ONLY picture on his page! I don't get it!?!  What am I missing?  I know he's missing a shirt and well....a head....but why!?!? A farmers tan and a flat tummy? Mmmmmmkay. How could a girl say no!?

No.

Finally, I've been complaining that these guys never show teeth, so here's what I get:

Yep.

And finally.  This one gets the Grand WTF?!?! Prize.

Say it with me now.  W. T. F.

I think I used to like weekends.

Do you remember when weekends were all about laying about with a jumbo bag of Doritos and nothing to do but channel surf?  Yea, me either.  

What happened?  On Monday, my next weekend looks like an open, endless block of time just full of a whole lotta nothin'!  Aaaaand then the week rolls on to Tuesday....oh, right, crap.  Laundry needs to be done.  Fine, but I got the WHOLE rest of the weekend to watch dust bunnies mate! Aaaand then....oh....right, gotta vaccuum because the dust bunnies actually HAVE been mating.  They have mated on every surface, on every rug and apparently are now mating with the hair bunnies.  Well, fine.  So what, I still have the ENTIRE weekend to lay around and watch infomercials and catch up on my 37 DVR episodes of Top Gear!  

Argh.  I forgot I gotta get my nails done because its starting to look like I stop my car with my hands, Flintstone style.  Ok, well...yea and while I'm at the mall, I'll return that shirt.  

Sweet niblets.....the car needs to be washed and I mean REALLY washed.  I found out birds CAN get diarrhea and my coffee exploded all over the dash yesterday.  The radio is stuck on some Tejano station and while I don't mind a polka styled tune at a wedding perhaps, rolling around LA with the top down and "Toro Relajo" blaring outta my car may send the wrong message.  Especially since I already get enough attention from the beat up pickup trucks with the lawnmowers in the back and 16 guys shoved in the cab.  Gotta draw the line somewhere.  Si! Bueno! Gracias!

No bueno.

Then the checkbook needs balancing, bills need to be paid, need to mail that care package, get to the gym, water the plants, wash the dog, clean up the guest room, reorganize that drawer, drop the clothes at Goodwill.....

Do you see where this is headed?  No wonder I'm exhausted Monday mornings and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  I hate the endless lists of "to do's" and its one reason I don't go to church because thats one more thing to do, plus I need to shower for it!!  I honestly don't shower much on weekends unless there will be another human within 10 feet of me because I have no FREAKIN TIME and its one more thing TO DO!!

Wow, now the whole idea of marrying and having children downright frightens me.  

Although....with lack of sleep comes some level of ignorance is bliss, so it may be a good thing!  And.... maybe I'll make friends with the interracial dust bunnies and name them "Harry" and "Fluffy" and maybe I can train them to find the remote should I have a daydream about the days I used to sit on the couch and stare at a 1080p screen but perhaps I won't since I can't actually recall when I ever did that.....or I'll just teach them to bake cookies.  Yea.  That's a good idea.  Ok, bunnies, but wash your hands first.

Possibly Offensive Ponder...although it shouldn't be.

I have this thing that I do when I'm curious about something.  I try to break it down and take it back to a simplistic thought to gain perspective.  Now this one idea I kicked around may be offensive to some, but I hope not, because its not intended to, its just merely me trying to find some truth in a world of opinions.  It is a controversial conversation for sure, especially if you are Christian, but hear me out first.

I have listened for years to people talk about homosexuals and whether they are born that way, are a product of their environment or its learned behavior.  I happen to believe they are born that way and I will explain how I came to this conclusion using my simpleton breakdown method I mentioned above.  Let me just say that I believed they were born that way long before I came up with the simpleton method of breaking things down and heres why.

I babysat two kids in the farming community I grew up in back when I was a teenager.  I only babysat them once, but the little boy made a huge impression on me.  The boy was about 5 years old and his sister was around 7.  Lets call them Max and Lisa. (I honestly don't remember their names)  So Max was very dramatic, full of high energy and carried himself with a lot of female mannerisms.  He liked to play dress up and wanted nothing more than to play Barbies with his sister.  When his father came home, he was upset to see his son wearing a skirt, carrying a purse and playing with dolls.  He told me that he would rather his son play with trucks.  The father tried to pull the "girl" toys away from him and Max just broke down and fell to the floor wailing.  And maybe this is why I was never asked to babysit again because I allowed him to play with the things he enjoyed.

I remember being so fascinated with Max because I loved seeing him happy playing with the girl stuff.  I grew up with two brothers who thought Barbies were "dumb" and I think I would have enjoyed having a sibling who liked to do the same things I did, even if he were a boy.  I mean, seriously, kids don't care and make judgements, adults do.  Max's father was clearly embarrassed and ashamed that Max played with girl stuff and I found that quite sad.  I remember thinking that there was no way little Max could have learned to like girl stuff and carry himself like a girl.  His father was a mans man and we had no openly gay community in the cornfields that I was aware of.  People were farmers.  Men were men and women were women so he clearly didn't pick this behavior up around him.  That was when I figured out that God made him that way. (I am also aware that Max could have just been transgender and not gay, but still, my point is, its not a choice.)

On top of homosexuals being born that way, lets think about the reality of society being so cruel to gays and not allowing them equal rights.  Like marriage! HELLO!!?!  People deserve to be happy!  Two men or women marrying does not affect me negatively AT ALL.  I'd much rather have a gay couple on my street with the same rights as the rest of us so they can share their lives legally (if they choose) and take part in the American dream and be HAPPY instead of feeling like they are less than.  I mean, seriously, you stay out of my bedroom and I'll stay out of yours!  Getting back to my point, with the lack of compassion and acceptance from a great deal of society, why on earth would anyone CHOOSE that?  It makes me bananas when I hear someone say they "choose" to be gay!  Why? So you close minded folks can look down on them and tell them they can't marry and are sinners?  THATS INSANE!

This whole thing got me thinking.  And based on what I witnessed with little Max, I was curious to figure out a better argument about how homosexuals don't "choose" to be gay, but just are, God made them that way.  (I know that ruffles feathers because of that great book of fiction that says that its "a sin".  Yea, whatever.)  Heres where this took me.

If you take a Darwin approach that we all evolved from apes, this actually can make a lot of sense.  So lets go back to caveman times for argument sake, before texting and cars and aluminum siding.  Caves, trees, rocks, plants, animals, clans of humans.  At this time in evolution, it was all about survival and its still this way out in the wild, survival.  So lets say we have a clan of 10 males and 12 females.  (just pulling numbers from the sky)  The bottom line for these people is survival.  Some will die of illness or animal attack or stupidity (Darwin Awards started a long time ago) but overall there needs to be balance.  So I wondered in this delicate balance if God would create some of them gay for the purpose of population control?  What if God made 2 of the men, out of 10, like other men?  If this happened, they would only want to have sex with other men and therefore, no children could be born from this natural urge to have sex.  I think that God decided to do this as a part of that balance because if all 10 men were knocking up the 12 women, there would be too many mouths to feed and they would perish during times of lean eating.  There are so many variables but what if this was the baseline reasoning?

Think about it and come to your own conclusions, this is just mine.

Nothing to talk about.

Its been a reeeeeeally long time since I've posted anything, but frankly I haven't had much to talk about.  In fact, I've been utterly bored with my life and thus felt the need to spare you all from my holding pattern of limbo that beats me down a little more each day.  To give you an example, here is my Groundhog Day that can be plugged into any Monday- Friday.

Get up.
Go to the Gym.
Walk the Dog.
Shower, Eat, Pack Food, Get ready for Work.
Drive to Work.
Get Coffee.
Work.
Commute Home.
Walk Dog.
Eat Dinner.
Go to Bed.

Doesn't get more exciting than that folks.  A Certified 100% pure Groundhog Day.  Shoot me now.  Its funny too because people think since i work in Hollywood, drive a nice car and live by the beach that my life must be AMAZING!!!

Its not.

Its boring.

Its lonely.

Its repeated and its mind numbing.

Don't read this wrong, I am thankful I have a job and all that, but is my existence for the greater good?  Am I curing cancer?  Am I leaving a mark?  Am I doing anything noteworthy or just taking up space?  I guess we all feel that to a certain extent, but I think I'd feel like I was doing something valuable if I were raising children or something.   This is where stay-at-home moms should really see how valuable they are.  Raising another human to carry on after them is noteworthy.  If I never have children, what will be my legacy?  Getting you fine folks to waste money on seeing/buying movies that you didn't really want to watch or buy in the first place?  What kind of legacy is that?  Will I be noted for ANYTHING?  "Hey that Kira, she really did amazing stuff!  She managed to stop by Starbucks each morning before work!"  or "Wow, that Kira!  She was amazing huh?!  She walked the dog TWO TIMES a day!  TWO!! WHOA!!"

Yea.

No.

I'm not saying my life would be perfect if I had a husband and kids, but having a family gives you purpose to getting up each day.  Sharing your life and experiences with a family unit makes you feel like your existence is justified and its nice to have people to witness you and your life and vice versa.  Being part of a unit makes you think of others and the greater good of the family.  Some people do better being selfless than selfish.  I think when you are alone you don't care about a lot of things like you would if you were part of a group.  Maybe I'm rambling like a crazy person and it would stand a fit argument for someone like me who has been flying in circles to nowhere day in and day out for years.

To quote my favorite musician Nik Kershaw:

"Cold and lonely, tired and bored
just like the day before
Missing out on life's rewards
of that you can be sure
So bring on the dancing girls."


So back to my hole.  Waiting for the alarm to go off so I can repeat the same day again and again.

Yip.

Yip.

Yip.

Yippee.

Bullying

There has been a recent wave of news stories involving bullying. Its amazing that it is now becoming a hot topic because bullying has been going on forever. But with all the new ways to communicate and "broadcast" our lives, it makes sense that its getting more airtime.

The biggest story that we've all been hearing about is the Rutgers freshman, Tyler Clementi. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20018385-504083.html This story is incredibly tragic. Because homosexuality is still seen as something "bad" and "wrong", many of our young people try and fly below the radar and avoid questions about their sexuality and just cover it up altogether. They shouldn't have to, cuz guess what, God made them this way and God loves them too. Loving someone of the same sex isn't wrong, its what feels right to them and I say if they are lucky to have found love, then they are truly blessed!

It would be amazing to see what would happen if we all stopped judging each other and instead understood that we all want the same things. We all want to be happy. We all want to love and be loved and we all want to be heard and accepted. Imagine a world where we accepted and celebrated that people were different? We could learn a lot from each other if we could only close our mouths and open our minds. There is just too much intolerance and too many messages telling us that we are not okay just as we are.

With this in mind, there are some amazing things happening. First of all, I think MTV's new show "If You Really Knew Me" is brilliant. I don't even care that they don't play music videos anymore with shows like this. It really gets these teens to remove the mask that they live through everyday and expose who they really are. We ALL have fears, we ALL have insecurities, we ALL feel stupid, or put down, or not good enough at one time or another and anyone who says they don't, is flat out lying.

This show takes on the head cheerleader and the popular jocks who seem to have it all and you know what? They don't. All they do have is an ability to cover up what is going on for them with a smile because maybe they were taught that it wasn't okay to be anything but perfect. They have learned social skills to interact and hide all the pain and pressure they feel on a daily basis and pretend that everything is "perfect", but it never is.

When I was in school, I actually cycled through different ways of dressing to finally find myself. I went to public school through 6th grade and we were all just a bunch of back woods country kids without much money who all pretty much accepted each other. I remember some kids were waaaaay more attractive than me and some of my crew, but no one really made fun of anyone. I actually got lucky because I was quite a sight during those first 7 years of school. I had bucked teeth, short, stringy, greasy hair and glasses with bifocals. (Know any other 8 year old with bifocals?) I knew I was a mess and waited daily for the teasing about how I looked like a boy with overhanging Bugs Bunny sized chompers....but it really never came.

Even without the bullying, I still retreated into a world of keeping quiet and trying desperately not to stand out. Invisible was my name and I was good at it. I remember a kid in 3rd grade named Dion who had a wooden leg. Not really sure why he had the wooden leg, but kids were mean to him. He always seemed so resilient to it, even taking off his leg at recess and chasing kids with it who had made fun of him, all the while laughing. He didn't seem to need a savior but I'll bet he really would have appreciated someone standing up for him. I wish I could have been that person, but I had way too many things that kids could have zeroed in one and I wasn't about to step into the fire.

Junior high and the first year of high school I spent at an exclusive private school full of rich kids, with lots of money and lots more attitude. I was hitting puberty and on top of the glasses and now, braces, I had ridiculous acne. (Sweet! Every preteens dream!) Luckily my parents did their best to dress us like the others in polo shirts, khakis and L.L. Bean bulcher shoes and boy was I even MORE of a mess. Those that know me, know that preppy ain't a good look for me, but it allowed me again to fly under the radar and stay out of sight. But because of this "invisible" shield I wore, it kept people away and made me look unapproachable.

I remember walking down Senior Hall to go see my oldest brother at his locker. I was terrified to walk by the other seniors because I was a freshman and I was waiting for them to tell me to get the hell out of there, so I adopted the "Fuck You Face". This is the meanest most angry and tough face that I could conjure. Every time I walked through Senior Hall I'd wear it and finally one day my oldest brother told me that the seniors were afraid to talk to me because they were afraid I'd beat them up.

Wow.

Me? Beat someone up? I was a total chicken, but no one saw me that way and they were scared of me all because I didn't want to get picked on. Then I felt bad that I couldn't let my guard down. I did get to know some of my brothers friends, but I still felt like an ugly nerd that was a total retard and part of that came from the fact that I was failing out of that school. I think I got "D's"in all my class but Art and Music. Hmmmm.

My final three years of high school, I spent at an all girls boarding school and what a savior that was! The most incredible thing about that place was that you had kids like me from the boonies and kids of super wealthy NYC elite and we ALL got along and treated each other with respect. Sure there were groups of the wealthy kids and the not so wealthy, but the groups intermixed and mingled nicely. I'm not gonna say there was no teasing and making fun of people, but there was a lot less and more of a sisterhood.

When I first arrived my tenth grade year, I still wore the preppy look from my previous school and I had long stringy, greasy hair. Before dinner that first night, I had had my roommate cut my hair into a cute bob and had taken on a nickname because I was really, really tired of "Invisible Kira". She was a mess and I needed to become someone new so I could find out who I really was.

This school was incredible for me and it allowed me to spread my wings. By my senior year, I was sporting a mohawk and had explored all kinds of artistic areas. I had performed in musicals, art shows and even learned to play bass guitar in our all female band. I was in heaven because I had found things that I was good at and since the student body was more about supporting one another than tearing each other down, I blossomed.

I wish all kids had this kind of school to go to. I got really lucky that my parents recognized that I was drowning in my second school and that I needed a new environment. God only knows where I would have ended up if I had continued the years of feeling like a failure. It saddens me that some kids just fall through the cracks and don't get a chance to spread their wings, especially if they are bullied. If I had been picked on through those rough years, I would have become even more invisible and shut down than I already was and it was only because I knew that I wasn't attractive by societies standards. Its too bad that we can't focus on nurturing our kids talents more and less on looks because one day they are leaving us, like it or not!

Today, Joe Jonas posted a short video blog about bullying and I commend him for it. http://www.cambio.com/shows/cambio-cares/on-bullying So many kids look up to the Jonas Brothers and I really hope it inspires some kids to maybe stand up for the "Dions" in their schools. I know its hard because no one wants to become a potential new target but other kids would sure have respect for them if they stood up for someone else who is getting picked on. Even just sitting with a loner at the lunch table could change an entire schools dynamic. I really hope things change because its unacceptable for this to continue. No one should want to take their life for just being who they are and the teen to early twenties are when we are trying different things to see what works for us. This is our building and growing time and its not usually pretty but we should be allowed to have it because it makes us better people when we figure out what we love to do and who we want to love. We can be authentic. We can be real and I don't know about you but I sure love spending time with someone who is real because they feel like sunshine and fresh air. Fake people just downright bore me and its makes me sad that they don't know who they are because I'll never get to know who they are either.

I wish I were a celebrity because I would make a point to go around to schools and share with kids what a mess I was growing up, but how it all worked out in the end. Because I was unattractive and fell on my face several times, I was able to sculpt who I truly am underneath it all and take off the pieces that didn't fit. I realize the blessings that I have and I am now thankful for those "10 Years of Humbling" as I like to call it. It made me who I am today.

I was lucky that I wasn't endlessly teased. There were many things that I could have been taunted about, but let's look out for those who aren't so lucky. Let's take a stand for those who are just exploring who they are, whether it be through an odd way of dressing or the "nerdy" activities they enjoy. Just remember......karma is a bitch and it may be coming for you! That day that you get your dream job and the CEO is the tech geek from your high school, you'll either be thanking yourself for standing up for him/her or you'll be quickly looking for a new job!

Been awhile.

I realize it has been some time since I have blogged and honestly, I just haven't had anything to say. The summer weather has been non-existent here in SoCal this year and its hurled all of us that actually live at the beach into a depression of epic beer drinking proportions. Yes, even me! I had 2 beers last weekend! *gasp!* I know right? The world must be ending.

But really, it has been so colossal-y boring that my humor has left me. I have had weeks of "Groundhog Day" syndrome. Get up, go to the gym, go to work, come home, go to bed. I'd end it all if it weren't for the one true beacon that keeps me going in this world......that February brings Girl Scout cookies. Yes, Thin Mints are my life support right now.

How did my life get this sad and boring? I should have a super exciting, super amazing life! I mean, I guess I sort of do, but the day to day is a dronefest. Hmmmm. Lemme take an inventory of my life and the good things.

1. I live 2 blocks from the beach. Normally this is a plus, but these days its a reason to look for sharp objects, but we'll still put that in the positive category......for now.

2. I drive a beautiful sports car that I never imagined I'd own. Aside from the fact that a new set of tires is $1600+, an oil change is $600 and windshield wipers are $65.......I'll still put that in the positive category.

3. I have my health. I just came off a month long illness that developed into bronchitis and now impacted sinuses.....BUT, I'm still gonna put that in the positive category because I have all my limbs and the ability to move them.

4. I have a job. I'm not posting a downside to this, because in this economy, just being employed at ANY job is a plus. AND I actually like what I do and my boss, so yay! One TRUE positive!

5. I have great friends. Again, nothing but net on that one. CHING!

6. I have a great family. Makes me want to adopt orphans because everyone deserves a family even if they are like peanut brittle and it takes a lot of sugar to keep the nuts together.

7. I have a sweet, healthy little dog that makes me laugh. For those of you that are single, you appreciate the presence of a beast at home. No matter what kind of beast that is.......unless its a male roommate that makes the soap in the shower look like a hamster because he doesn't understand manscaping. Hence the reason I don't have a male roommate. I like my soap hair free.

8. I have multiple creative talents. Painting, photography, playing music, building things....now if I can just find time to actually create something.

Wow, I'm feeling better already. Now if the sun would come out, although we are all betting (praying) that this will lead us to an indian summer. We deserve it after this summer and the last one. All this crap about global "warming". You won't get anyone in the beach community buying that crap. Its been global freezing for us and its a good thing I have an impressive and extensive collection of hoodies! And my neighbor makes fun of me for it.......until she needs to borrow one.