Monday, March 29, 2010

The downside to being a social retard....wait, theres an upside?

Today I'm going to talk about something that has plagued me my entire life. Its a little something I like to call "Social Retardedness". Before anyone pounces on me about the political correctness of the word "retard", lemme just tell you that I am different in a social sense. Or you could say challenged....or.... hell, people, I'm freakin' retarded.

All my life I have been scared of people. Scared to say hello, scared to smile at someone and TERRIFIED to start a conversation with a stranger! I suck at small talk and have even had panic attacks about making phone calls. Even something as innocuous as making an appointment for a massage scares me because I have to actually talk to a stranger. When I was a kid, I used to make my sister call the movie theater to get showtimes.....back before the internet.....and probably newspapers....oh, wait, newspapers were BEFORE the telephone....ok, yea, I'm not THAT old.

Anyway, you get the point. I have tried desperately to squeak through life trying to be invisible and not actually even have to say good morning to my coworkers each day. Its completely irrational I realize, but for some reason I feel that people are going to yell at me, tell me I suck, tell me my outfit is horrible or I smell or something. I dunno. Makes no damn sense because I actually shower most days, I don't suck (actually pretty cool) and am quite clever at crafting nice outfits. It wasn't until college and I started partaking in the "beverage", that I realized its fun to talk to strangers and talk to people about all sorts of subjects. But since drinking isn't a super cool way to show up to work, or drive to the mall, or anything else for that matter, I live in the social retard zone most of the time.

But its funny how my social retardedness affects others. Just when I think I'm probably the most socially insecure person out there, someone one ups me by confronting me about why I NEVER say good morning to them. Do I not like them? Do I think they smell? Do I not care about their life? Do I just not want to be friends with them? And yes, I ACTUALLY had this conversation with someone last week and as you can imagine, I sat there dumbfounded.....staring at if they had a big hairy mole......just below their lip. And boy, did I have to get creative with my answer.

Actually, it wasn't too difficult.

I outright pointed my finger at my evil friend Social Retard and asked if they noticed that I don't say hello to anyone? (Nope, they never caught that. Thought it was only them) I then reminded them that since they had ripped me a new a-hole a few weeks earlier about something so benign and trivial that I was now scared to say hello to them because I was afraid (bi-polar) that they may freak out on me again about something. [spinning fingers around my ears "crazy"]

Yea, okay, I was nicer about it, but I did tell them that it had nothing to do with them and that I would make an effort and I was sorry they felt that way. To which they responded "Well, don't say good morning now just because I said something!"




Yep, nope, nothing but shear anxiety now about how to handle this one.


No wonder I'm single.

Which brings me to, I could blog about this for a you have a week to read this? Yea, me either. But anyway, heres the scene.

INT. NIGHT - 7pm at the Grocery Store.

Me: (thoughts) I think I'll just stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things since I hear there are lots of cute single men at the store in the evening.......WOW! There ARE a lot of cute men in the grocery store at night! And theres one coming this way! Aaaaannnd, I'm looking at the floor......and I'm checking out........and I'm leaving. Why am I leaving!?!?

This is the part that annoys me endlessly. I never make eye contact, I act annoyed that there are people in my way and I practically RUN out of the grocery store....why? Because some cute man is going to run after me to get my number? Because I've watched too many God damned movies? Nope, wrong, wrong, wrong! (Well, right, on the too many movies) Because I am a social retard and I will actually get a horrible, wicked, wretched case of DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH if a hot guy actually starts a conversation with me! Then I'll say something stupid and I'll look like a freak (or retard) and they will go "Yep, nope, crazy." [spinning finger around ear]

So I spare myself the horrific scene that I would, no doubt spend weeks, months and YEARS playing over in my head and beating myself up about. But being a social retard is a lonely existence and its a lot of effort to try and blend into the background and not be noticed. Plus, I never realized how much my trying to be invisible actually messes with other peoples insecurities.

But the world is scary and until being drunk all the time is acceptable, I will soldier on, hugging the wallpaper and thanking God I can actually look up movie times and MANY other things on the internet! Whoever invented the internet gets two BIG thumbs up from me.....

......the social retard.

Don't yell at me..........(retreating into my cave)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sometimes I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, hate my job.

Being a trailer editor is a really great, fun and challenging job. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. Using music combined with picture to create moments is a passion of mine. When I was in film school, I wanted to edit music videos, but I think this is actually better.

Here's the part of my job that I hate though. I hate that I can't tell anyone what I'm working on and that we basically get no recognition for it. When people hear what I do they invariably ask "Oh! So I'll see your name in the credits?" Uh...yea, no. See, motion picture advertising doesn't have credits.....anywhere. In fact, some of our clients ask that we (editors) not display their trailers or tv spots.....anywhere. Sorry folks, but I need to have a reel to show potential employers so you got to suck it up on that one. But still it stinks that I can't even TELL people what exciting things I am doing so when it comes out I can say "Remember all those weeks I worked on that? Well there it is!"

I also hate that you get to know different people in the industry involved in the projects you work on and you can't even say to them "I loved the costumes you made" or "Your dancing was amazing and you always stuck out in the group dances". Well actually, I COULD share my thoughts with people that worked on the projects at the production level and friends and family.....if I want to lose my job and be black listed from the industry.

It really sucks because although I don't do this job for the recognition, it sure would be nice to be able to share it with people and also shower some recognition on others that worked on it. But instead, we have to all act like we don't know each other.

I just feel so restricted and held down. I'm having so much fun with this latest project, but I can't........tell.........anyone. So instead I get so frustrated that I almost get mad at the project. The best part is that the movie isn't coming out for SEVERAL months so I have to keep mum. Its like being put in a straight jacket with a gag. After a while you get so irritated that you'd dislocate your shoulders just to get out of it!

But..........I the out of work film editor with dislocated shoulders would be no bueno.


So I'll soldier on saying nothing.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Aahhhh, software! My favorite subject! Well, okay, it would be if I were trapped on a deserted island and the only thing to read would be a leaflet of installation instructions that had just washed up on shore. Yea, usually those manuals get tossed aside as I throw caution to the wind and just start clicking on stuff! WOOOHOOO!! Look at me! One finger installation Ma!

Since its tax time and I love, love, LOVE taxtime! *coughB*LLS**Tcough* I opened up my Quickbooks 2006 in my brand spanking new, adorable, precious Mac laptop with the rip roaring new OS Snow Leopard. Yes, I was all set and all psyched to import all my bank statements that I had downloaded for 2009. So quick! So easy! So not happening.......

As I open my latest Quickbooks file from 2008, strange things were a-happenin'. Going back over previous transactions, I stumbled upon things like an entry for something I purchased that no longer had an amount in the charge column, but instead in the deposit column it said *overflow*. Huh? What the F is that? If I actually clicked on the entry, the amount would show, but if I clicked off, our lovely *overflow* was back. But my FAVORITE was a deposit that I had apparently made at a grocery store for $38,573!!! REALLY? Who knew you could make a deposit at your local grocery store! And btw, not a bank branch in the grocery store, but the ACTUAL grocery store!

Something ain't right. Time to call for backup.

So I call Intuit and get some guy named "Sam". Uhhhh....yyyeeeeeeaaaa. He was clearly East Indian and not in my time zone. (I was calling at 9:30pm on a Sunday) If he was in India, what is that.....4:45pm the following Tuesday? I'm no good with those time zone things. Yea, whatever.

Anyway, I explain these odd happenings to....."Sam"......and he cheerfully informs me that QB 2006 isn't compatible with Snow Leopard and that he can help me right away to get the latest version on my new shiny, happy, laptop.

Me: "Hey Sam. How much is this gonna cost me?"

Sam: "Well, you see for $169 we can get you upgraded tonight and this will include technical support, but we will wave that for you at this time and its normally $79"

Me: "Wait, so its $99?"

Sam: "No, its $169."

Me: "But wait, you just said....uh, nevermind."

Sam: "Ok, so do you want to upgrade now?"

Me: "Hey Sam? Why am I seeing QB 2010 online here for $130?"

Sam: "Well you see Miss Kira, it does not include the technical support..."

Me: "Sam? You just said the technical support fee was waved."

Sam: "Yes, Miss Kira, and we can take care of this right now over the phone...."

(Are you confused about those prices and what the hell is transpiring? Yea, I was too. Sam was making no dern sense, I was completely turned around and I just wanted to get off the freakin' phone!)

Me: "Hey Sam? I don't have $170 to blow out my @** right now, so I guess I'll just be doing my taxes on my old laptop....and then at some point buying QB 2010 online from somewhere thats CHEAPER!"

Sam: "Yes, but Miss Kira, it will not include the technical support for which you will have to pay $39.99 each time you call with questions!"

Me: "Uh, Saaaam? I bought QB 2006 back in 2006 and its now 2010 and this is the first time I am calling you."

Sam: "Yes, but Miss Kira?..."

Me: "Sam? Still doesn't change the fact that I don't have $170 to blow out my @**. But thanks anyway."

Sam: "Ok, well can I get your email address so that I can send you a log number for this conversation?"

Me: "Sam? I don't really need a recap of this conversation, but thanks anyway. Plus I don't like to give my email out."

Sam: "You don't want email updates from Intuit about our latest....."

Me: "Sam? Yea, no...not really. Just more crap that I have to delete. I won't read it. I promise you."

Sam: "Well, can I verify the email address we have on file?"

Me: (defeated) "Sure"

Sam: "We have Kira425 @adel...."

Me: "Oh yea! You can have that one! Its my old one and you are more than welcome to send emails to that one all day long! As many as you'd like! Knock yourself out!"

Sam proceeded to keep me on the phone for another few minutes as I buried my face into the couch, trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness that just unfolded.

I wonder if no one calls Intuit......EVER! Sam seemed bored and hell bent on keeping me on the phone. Although, I highly suspect that QB 2010 has several bugs that would require frequent calls to Intuit.


Moving on.

So I fired up my aging, decrepit old Mac and tried to import the transaction files from my checking accounts and credit cards. Funny, they weren't showing up in the register. After a little digging on Wells Fargo's website, I figured out that the first year they support QB for Mac was the 2007 version. Dern. So close.

Needless to say.......I had to suck it up and buy QB 2010.

And no, I did not call Sam, I bought it online for $130!!

Monday, March 15, 2010


You ever have one of those days where you wonder where your life went? Now, I don't mean the "damn I'm getting old" wonder where your life went, but more like the "who the hell has the stuff I was supposed to have"?

This has been bothering me a lot recently. I look at people with kids and I think, where are my kids? Where is my husband, my best friend, my love? I am a master at manifesting stuff. Master. I have had some amazing things happen in my life because I have a thought and then it pops into my reality. Crazy, wacky, cool sh*t. I can make almost anything come into fruition.....except that dern relationship.

I don't want to be that old lady with the dogs....or God forbid the cats. I say this because I am allergic to cats and if I start collecting them, then that means you should have me on suicide watch. But seriously, I want to be that person that annoys the crap out of her friends by reporting all the cute (and stupid) little things my offspring did that day. That is until they become a teenager and I'm marking days off the calendar till they go to college. I want the chaotic house to come home to. I want the 'what the hell are we gonna have for dinner' dilemma. I want the chore charts and the time out chair and the laundry and the schedules with the soccer practices and the report cards.

Right now, I have a squeaky chihuahua that greets me from behind his gate in the kitchen. "Mommy's home! Mommy's home! Yay Mommy! Oh, look! Toy!! Toy, toy, toy, toy, toy......" Yea, its great for about 2 minutes then he's bored with me and off to go find his cozy spot of the couch after he has taken every single toy out of his basket and strewn them all over the room. I love my little 6 lbs of fur, but I want more.

So my friends tell me to ask other friends if they know someone to set me up with because this is how they met their spouse. So I ask and this is the response I get every time. "Yea, I know people, but I wouldn't set them up with you." And there is usually a part two to their reason like "...because he drinks too much" or "....he's still not over his ex." Or "....he's kind of immature". Fabulous. Oh! Oh! PLEASE can you find me an immature alcoholic who is stalking their ex?! Triple threat! What fun!!


Don't even get me started on the dating sites online. If they exist, I've been a member at some point.....well, except for and only because I'm not Jewish....but if I was...!!!! Yea and let me just warn you folks, eHarmony is the WORST!! My first match ended up being with a 5'1" Vietnamese guy who still lived with his mom. His main picture was of him on his mother's piano in a Liberace jacket! NOT KIDDING. Oh and I'm 5'6" so 5'1" is beyond my cutoff. I've dated 5'5" and that was a bit troublesome with 5" heels. (On me, not him just in case you were wondering)

So I'm staring down another birthday in a few weeks wondering where my best friend is. I'm not looking for perfection, or Prince Charming. I've lived in reality long enough to know that perfect would drive me BANANAS, so I'm just looking for a good guy, with a good heart, who wants to grow old with a wicked cool chick.

If you see any, send them my way. But please ask if they still live with their mom's before givin them my phone number.

Good times.