Friday, April 30, 2010

19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person

Alright peeps. I'm stealing this from a blogger for Glamour. I just couldn't have said it better myself and please note, they are ALL annoying but my least favorite, meaning I will want to put a gun to my head, is the old "It'll happen when you least expect it."
Okay, just shoot me now.
19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person

By dating blogger Erin Meanley for GlamourUpdated: Apr 28, 2010
Single women talking (Getty Images)
Average (604 votes)starsRate it:Sign in to rate!
As a writer, I avoid cliches like the plague...HAHA! But seriously, cliches are old, tired, and they show absolutely no thought. I mean, do I make you read that some guy's skin was as white as snow? No. It's a major insult to your intellect. So when I have to hear a cliche or overused saying in the real world, as a response to my newly single status or some otherdating dilemma, it's offensive and frustrating."
More Glamour:
Why do we have so many sayings and maxims for dating? A single gal is likely to get slammed with them ad nauseam as soon as she expresses any unhappiness at her situation.
Since we could all use a good laugh, I asked some friends and Twitter followers to send in their most hated adages. I know you've heard them all before, but I just couldn't believe how many there were! Here's a tiny compilation. Enjoy -- today, they're not directed at you!
It happens when you're not looking. "This is just bull. Some people find people when they're looking; some don't. You're not doing anything wrong by going out and meeting people." -Beth
There are plenty of fish in the sea. "I dated a guy whose last name was Fish. People just had a BLAST with that one." -Kelly
So, why are you single? "I generally dislike this question. I mean honestly, if I knew why, I don't think I would be single right now, now would I?!" -Erica
You're too picky. "This may be true, but it feels like I'm getting criticized for my taste, vision, and close-mindedness -- when I'm already down." -Sarah
You'll find the right person for you. -Kelly
He's out there. -Kelly
It was just bad timing. "Like it's so easy to dismiss a guy on such an emotionless and objective reason." -Taryn
Just have fun with it! "Um, don't tell me how to date in my thirties when you got married at 24." -Maya
Have you tried online dating? "Duh!" -Elisa
He just wasn't the right guy for you. "I know! That's what I'm complaining about!" - Elisa
Well, when Steve and I first got together... "Wait, I still want to talk about me." -Elisa
When the time is right, you will meet someone. -Betsy
Wow, I wish I were single and in your shoes! "Really?! I'm pretty sure you CAN be single if you actually want to be. That there is an attainable dream, so if you aren't messing with me right now out of pity (which I suspect you are), please go for it!" -Kim
Your turn next [at weddings]. -Natlondon, via Twitter
It will happen when you least expect it. -dlegas05, via Twitter
Some guy is going to come along and ruin your career/life plans. "I am 32 and no one has ruined the last 10 years of plans." -frolicblog, via Twitter
But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend? "There's just no graceful way to answer that." -earnesteats, via Twitter
It just wasn't meant to be. "Any of these platitudes are exponentially more annoying when coming from the mouths of smug marrieds." -Reberoodle, via Twitter
Sure, Steve rescues kids from abusive homes, donated my sister a kidney, and picks up fresh flowers for me daily on his way home from work, but will he QUIT IT with the sports on TV already? "Single people just hate to be complained to about petty relationship stuff. If you do this, I'm not going to want to hang out with you. (In fact, maybe I'll call Steve and ask him if he wants to watch the Yankees game?)" -Kim
Bottom line, if you're in a relationship or married and you don't have any specific, original advice or wisdom for your single friend -- and you must use an established saying -- we would prefer to hear neutral ones like, "This too shall pass" or "Take it one day at a time." They are so much more helpful and comforting -- you have no idea!
Also of note: not one person I polled mentioned they were tired of hearing, "He's just not that into you." I think that's because it's not condescending. And apparently, it's not overused. So that one is still OK to say. Thanks for listening!

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I spent 2 1/2 hours last night, cutting into my beauty sleep, to craft a blog about my feelings for the freakshow known as Heidi Montag. The woman scares me. In fact, I have so many feelings about her that it was hard to narrow it down. But I did. And I was so proud. And then I went to hit "Publish" and the stupid site kicked me to a login page, thus ERASING the 2 1/2 hours of wasted beauty sleep so I could try and remember my password! WTF Blogger!?!?

So. Once I calmed down from my fiery rage....Monkey hid......I went to bed.

I'm not a happy blogger today. Get it together Blogger, or I'll find a place to dump my toxic thoughts elsewhere.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

And I thought I was challenged in dating...



So let me ask you all something.

If you saw THIS picture on a dating site, would you say "Aw! How cute! Lemme check out his profile!"

Or would you say......"What...........the..............f**k." ??

Yea, thats what I said too.

The above picture is from an actual dating site. Oh. Yes. It. Is.

First of all, to all you married ladies out there.....HUG YOUR HUSBANDS AND THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT SINGLE!! (Ali.....COOKIE!) And if you are having problems in your marriage, seek counseling because TRUST ME..........(yes, its the truth)...........YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE OUT THERE.

Right now, I would rather be zipped up in a sleeping bag with rabid porcupines, covered in fire ants with Tabasco in BOTH eyes than be single. Let me be blunt.

It sucks.


With all these dating sites, guys don't have to work very hard. Plus they have a never ending supply of fresh ponies to take out on the town. Some guys just use these sites as a bang list. Its kinda sad and it makes nice girls like me lose faith in the fact that there actually are good guys out there.

I started internet dating back in 1995 when was Love@aol. Yea, I've been on there....that.....long. Over the years, I have tried all the sites. Eharmony, Chemistry, Match, OkCupid, FitSingles, etc. If its existed, I've been on it. All these years later, there are still the same guys on there, with the same pictures and the same bio. Albeit, 25 pounds later.....and no, they have not updated their pics.

I'm just tired of it all. I'm ready to settle down. I'm tired of the d*uchebags and the pics of themselves with their car and their sunglasses and the tough look on their face. I'm tired of the pictures where the guy is so far in the distance that you aren't sure if its a dude or a tree. I'm tired of the pics of the guys with girls hanging all over them. REALLY? Yer on a dating site and you've got a gaggle of drunk bimbs hanging on you? Do you think OTHER girls think thats hot? I'm tired of the guys with empty profiles saying "I don't feel I need to tell the whole world who I am. If you want to get to know me, just ask."

Ok. Let me get this straight, you aren't going to write anything on your profile and you want us to CHASE you and ask you to open up a WEE bit about yourself? Hey buddy, if you aren't going to take a moment to give us a glimpse of who you are, then we aren't going to take the lazy way out and even email or "wink" at you.

Don't get me started on the laziness of the "wink". Basically you don't even have to craft a sentence. You just click "wink" on someones profile that you like and then they get an email that says "(So and so) just winked at you! If you'd like to strike up a conversation with them, simply reply with something short and encouraging, like “Thanks for the wink! What's new?”



I could go on about this........for.......ever.

In the meantime, I'll keep patrolling the grocery stores, trying not to say something retarded to the hot guy in produce like "Haaalllalllaaaaaaaa...uh....huuuaaa....." and then run for the door.

Ali, I'm writing you the check for your kids college fund so they will take care of me in the old folks home while I'm still mumbling...."Haaalllalllaaaaaaaa...uh....huuuaaa....."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Are you a Sugar Addict?

I've come to a realization.

I am a sugar addict.

I know sugar is socially acceptable......and it tastes REALLY, REALLY good.....and its cheap to get......and its easy to sneak....except trying to open a Snickers in a quiet room full of people......

BUT, there are many sugar addicts out there and they just may be your next door neighbor. Or they may just enable your habit by inviting you over after they've knocked off a cupcake store. So.....well, okay, so they are addicts too. But who isn't? I mean, I blame the Girl Scouts. And yes, I was one. But who offers up the most ridiculously delicious cookies RIGHT AFTER we have all made our resolutions to get skinny?

They are pushers. PUSHERS!! And don't let the little sashes, sweet smiles and high pitched "Do you wanna buy some cookies?" fool you!! PUUUUUSSSSHHHHHEEERRRRSSS!!! Run FAR AWAY FROM THE MIDGETS SPORTING TOOTHLESS SMILES AND SHINY EYES! THEY ARE HIGH ON SUGAR PEOPLE!!!

Just in case you aren't sure if you are an addict, read below.....and weep.....then eat a box of cookies......and when the high wears another box of cookies.......then weep some more. You may be surprised what an addict you truly are!

Most sugar addictions start with casual or social use of sugar. For some people, this is as far as it goes. For other people, using sugar becomes a habit and use becomes more and more frequent. As time passes, you may need larger doses of sugar to get buzzed and deal with that annoying co-worker across the hall. Soon you may need the sugar just to feel good. As your sugar use increases, you may find that it becomes increasingly difficult to go without it. Stopping may cause intense cravings and make you feel physically ill (withdrawal symptoms).

Sugar addiction symptoms or behaviors include:

  • Feeling that you have to eat cookies regularly — this can be one or several boxes (esp. Girl Scout)
  • Failing in your attempts to stop using the sugar
  • Making certain that you maintain a supply of cake, candy, ice cream, etc.
  • Spending money on the box of Thin Mints even though you can't afford it
  • Doing things to obtain sugar that you normally wouldn't do, such as stealing from kids Halloween bags
  • Feeling that you need sugar to deal with that annoying coworker ACROSS THE HALL!!
  • Driving or doing other risky activities like playing Twister when you're under the influence of sugar
  • Focusing more and more time and energy on getting and consuming mass quantities of sugar
Was there some head nodding? Some tears? Face it, you're an addict. Its the ugly truth and the quicker you face it....well, or the quicker you can get the dustbuster out to vacuum up the cookie crumbs off the couch to hide the evidence!!

You have to get your life back. You have to say "no'! You have stand up and say "NO MORE COOKIES YOU EVIL LITTLE DEMON PUSHERS FROM HELL!"

Or meet me at my house.....

.......I still have a box of Thin Mints in the freezer!

Taxes and Valium

Ah, tax time. Every January 1st the clock starts and the panic sets in. Because I have a day job AND a failing side business (thanks George Bush), I have to have everything sorted out in Quickbooks. (Refer to the blog about the call to Sam at Intuit.) Luckily my partner in crime of all things fried and delicious (and sugary), Lauren, is skilled in the accounting department, so she helped me enter all my credit card and bank statements. If I thought I was just retarded in the social department, I was dead wrong. I'm even MORE retarded in the banking, numbers, adding, subtracting and wondering what the F a 'debit offset' is department! Yea, Lauren got to watch me nervously wring my hands as she tried to explain some things to me. You see, when I was a kid, growing up in a house of intellectuals, I used to just say "I'm an artist! Leave me alone!" Us creative types are fuzzy on all things logical....although Lauren is creative too.....hmm, oh well, blows that theory out of the water.....but, I'm just thankful SHE gets it, cuz I REALLY don't!

Now here's the thing about valium. I don't take any drugs. Ever. Not even the recreational kind. I've never smoked pot, never popped a pill just cuz and I barely use Tylenol and the like because.....well, it usually doesn't work. But the few times that I have had surgeries and they've started me out on valium......I liked it. A LOT. I became the Mayor, or Miss America as I was wheeled down the hall, waving to everyone and cracking jokes. I thought I was funny! And I probably just slurred words like a stoned crazy person, but I was having fun. So with the impending doom of finding out how much I owed in taxes this year, I was really wishing I could hang with Prince Valium until the big reveal. But I didn't have any and thats not how I roll anyway, I face things HEAD ON!! And I was sure this was going to be another collision of epic proportions!

Anyhoo. So I rolled up to my accountants office last Saturday and before I put my purse down I begged, "Please!! Be good to me this year!" He said "Aren't I always?" to which I replied "Yes, but I need you to be SUPER EXTRA good to me this year!!"

You see, for the year 2008, I spent half the year as a 1099 freelancer and the other half on staff with my day job. So last year I ended up owing the state about $1000 and I owed $12,000 in federal taxes. Yea, I heard you say ouch and you ain't kidding! Thats a big, grab your backside "OUCH!". I had told Lauren to pray that I only owe 4 digits this year instead of 5, so I was hoping for a total of anything less than $10,000. It was a rough year and to make matters worse, my day job cut our pay by 10% so I was making even LESS in 2009. I guess its good cuz its less taxes, but I just felt the pinch all year!

So my accountant plugged all the numbers in and with my losses from my side business (thanks George Bush), which never seems to help much, I was sure I had wax build up because I swore he said that I only owed $1300 to the federal and the great (broke) state of California owed ME $350!

I'm sorry......



You have to repeat that, cuz I just hallucinated....

"You only owe $1300 federal"


Are you sure?

No, no, the decimal point is in the wrong place... has to be.....

Did you add that up right?

Did you hit the wrong button?

I always owe A LOT more! That can't be right.....

"You were on staff all last year and so you paid a boat load in taxes so this is right."

I never wanted to kiss a man like I wanted to kiss this man! Poor thing, I probably scared him. I think he could smell I was contemplating jumping over the desk because he nervously rolled his chair back. And then I remembered that I was getting some money back from the STATE!! So I basically owe about $1000! And since I thought hell was descending on me, I had already saved that much up! This is the first year that I can pay my taxes ON TIME!


I was so in shock. I had spent weeks having anxiety in my sleep. Waking up at 4am worrying, worrying at the grocery store, the laundromat, the movies, the frozen yogurt shop, the gym. I spent weeks strategizing how I was going to come up with $10,000.....sell my kidney? Pimp my car out as a taxi? Going door to door with a sandwich smock putting those tree trimming fliers on apartment doors? (Get it? Tree trimming fliers for apartments? Yea, I get those all the time....and no, I have no trees.)

I had worried myself stupid.

And then I remembered it.

Something a very wise and VERY handsome man had said.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

Write that down.

So the skies have parted and the relief has set in and I am just so glad that I can relax now. Phew.

Lemme say it again.....


Oh look.....cookie!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Fool's Day!!

Yea, I don't really have anything to say about April Fools Day itself, except that I was researching office pranks last night and I saw where someone put a stapler into a Jell-o mold and left it on their coworkers desk! Thats some funny stuff right there! Laughed till I almost peed myself!

Or you can just check out this site that tells you the "how to" and has pics of lots of other things suspended in Jell-o! Good times!