Sunday, October 18, 2009

The tattooed "To-Do" list on my wrist.

I'm not gonna sugar coat it people, stress is a b!tch.

I am 5 weeks away from competing in Fitness America's end of year extravaganza that we affectionately refer to as Nationals. I don't know why we call it that.....and by 'we', I mean the group of girls I train and compete with for these fitness competitions.

I think its silly to call it Nationals because people come from all over the world to compete in it. Shouldn't we call it the Worlds? Eh, whatever......where was I going....oh, yes, stress. Since my 12 week out mark, I was consistently dropping about 2 pounds a week. Last week, one pound and this week......2 tenths of a pound. Really? REALLY? 2 tenths? Why is that even on the scale? So a hair fell out of my head. Big deal. But its all because I am stressed.

This entry could go so many directions, so please forgive me in advance if I never actually get to explaining the whole tattoo thing. Seriously, I am so turned around right now, I'm, well, I'm just going 27 directions. Long weekend. Anyway...

Here is the source of my stress. My job. As I mentioned Friday about the uncertainty. What is really concerning me is that I feel like my boss has given up. She is so talented and a force to be reckoned with at times. I get along well with her and understand what she is looking for, so we have a great work relationship. Jobs have been hard to come by and I just feel like she is all turned around and feels like she is failing because she's not turning the same numbers she was the last few years. She actually told me the other day that if I got offered a better job, to take it. Not what I was hoping to hear.

But here's the funny thing. As I sat yesterday atop my couch, parked in the middle of my living room, piled high with my bedding, while the pack of wild window installers buzzed around me putting in the most beautiful and warm double paned windows I have ever seen....I opened the recent "O" magazine to an article that caught my attention. It was about living as our authentic selves. (I thought I was) And I probably am, but the thing is....we change. Oh yes we do. I am not the same person at 40 that I was at 30 or even 25. I am soooooo different and thank God for that! Looking back at 25, sheesh....I was a hot mess.....and not in a good way hot mess, but a fat, chicken finger eating, fat burner taking hot mess. Literally hot from the freakin' fat burners! Don't ever take those things. Bad news. I still have heart palpitations from the damage those things did. Eat right and exercise. No pills. No, no,no,no, NO!

I'm tired and getting distracted.....sorry. So I'm sitting on my pile of bedding amid the buzz of windows being installed and I read a gathering of articles about listening to your heart and following your calling and then the frying pan of reality smacked me in the face.

My life is about to change, again.

I'm a Taurus. Earth sign. Feet planted FIRMLY on the ground. Don't like change. Don't like it one bit. Hate it more than hating something could be hated....but I also know that change is the only thing I am ever guaranteed in this life. So what do I do? Tuck, duck and roll with it, because otherwise, its the frying pan to the face followed by the kicking and screaming into it. Better to go quietly and get it over with. Its like when I was little and my stepmom would take the band-aids off my very hairy legs. I think the waiting for it killed me more than that actual split second of pain where a patch of hair was torn up like old carpet. Now I actually pay people to rip hair off my body with hot wax. Oh the irony.

Something is coming. Its time. Its been 10 years. 1989 I decided to move to Las Vegas after college. 2000 I picked up and moved to LA. And now its 2009......its time. I don't think it will involve moving, but I think my career may change. It may just be that I move to cutting tv shows or some other form of editing. Who knows. I love advertising and would very much like to stay in the field, but who knows. This dropped into my lap outta the blue, so something totally unexpected could fall in my lap that would be incredible and hard to pass up.

Which brings me to my blog title. In 2007, while in Miami with my fitness friends at "Fitness Universe".....this is another of the big shows, like Nationals, but again, the name is retarded because it IS people from around the globe, but not the universe. I mean, I didn't see Mercury representing.....or Saturn....or....wait a minute, there was that one chick......

Eh, nevermind.

Ahem. Miami. 2007. With friends. I had been contemplating a tattoo on the inside of my wrist for over a year. So we looked up the tattoo shop from Miami Ink on TLC and went over there to get me a little more ink! We showed up just in time. It was 3pm and they were closing early for a funeral. Bummer. But they were more than happy to take my $300 for my 10 minute tattoo. Such gracious guys. (sarcasm) Whatever. It was worth it.

I got this really nice red headed dude named Morgan who quickly, delicately and beautifully scribed the word "Blessed" on the inside of my left wrist. I look at it every single day and its become a "To-Do" list of sorts because especially right now, in the face of uncertainty and eminent doom, I mean change.....I just need to remember that I am blessed and the "To-Do" list is reminding myself of all the good things i have going for me.

I still have air in my lungs and I'm healthy so I am blessed.

I still have talents undiscovered and untapped so I am blessed.

I still have friends and family so I am blessed.

Its all I can do right now and its all that I need to do because the Universe or God or whatever it is out there, always takes care of me and always opens amazing doors that I get to walk through and discover great things.

So anytime I start to stress out and worry, I just need to look at my wrist and remember that I am blessed and things will work out because they always do.

But if I choose to stress out and go kicking and screaming into change I get to welcome the frying pan to the face.

Hmmmm.....look at wrist.......frying pan. The situation is looking brighter already.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I know its been awhile. I've been debating.

And what, ye ask have I been debating?



Because I don't know if I want the world knowing my deep, certainly dark thoughts. I have so much to say and I may feel better sharing them but I'm just not sure. What if I am not pc? What if I offend? What if people are shocked to know certain things about me? Like that I love almond butter waaaaaay more than I like peanut butter? Or that I hate my legs? Or that I'd secretly love to know more about cars and that I wished I had kept my '94 Civic for the sole reason of tricking it out so I could join the all girls drifting club "Drifting Pretty"?

I dunno.

So much uncertainty. The economy sucks, but I hear its on the rebound. I wish my company felt that way. Things around here are, well.........morale sucks. There I said it. People are being scooped up by other companies and the president of ours roams the halls each day seeing who isn't busy and sends them home.....without pay. Yes. Things are bad. I love my job and I love my boss, but there are so many changes happening and the daily echo in empty offices filled with the footsteps of the president on his rounds is like waiting for the other boot to drop. Its not a good feeling. And its a heavy boot.

Tomorrow morning I have a pack of wild window installers descending on my house to replace my 13 rotting windows. (My building was built in the 20's) I asked my landlord to unstick 3 windows that her incompetent house painters painted shut last spring and her response, after much crying poor....did i mention she live in the Palisades? A very wealthy section of LA overlooking the FREAKIN OCEAN?


After she cried poor, she brought her 'window' guy over to look at them and she decided to replace all of them, while humming a tune about raising my rent when my lease is up. Nice. Not a lot to be happy about these days. Well, except that I am losing weight. In a healthy way. Eating whole foods and exercise. Not a fad diet people. Good old fashioned real food and exercise. I know, I know, you stopped reading when I didn't have a miracle quick fix. Read it aaaaaaand weep. Whole foods...........AND exercise. Write that down.

Which brings me to my pet peeve of the moment about losing weight and training for shows. I cannot stand it when people see me losing weight for a show and they say "Oh, so are you now in the starving part of your dieting?" (quick stealth backhand to offending person) "Uh, no, this is the part where I eat more than you and STILL lose weight." You really want to piss me off, ask me if I'm starving myself, but be warned, I offer up and healthy dose of whoop @ss.

The odd part....when I do starve myself by eating 2-3 meals a most people.....I actually GAIN weight. When I am "starving" myself for a show I am eating 5-6 times a day. You do the math. But no calculating while you are in the drive thru at Taco Bell.

I gotta go move some freakin' furniture around, so the pack of wild window installers can actually get AT the windows. Oh and did I mention, they never said what time they were showing up? Great, better wear something decent to bed but if they show up at 7am I'm kicking them off my porch.....or I'll let 6lbs of crazy do it. Better known as Monkey. Beware of the Monkey!

What a way to start a weekend. Grumpy and feeling like my job is empty and worthless.