Monday, March 29, 2010

The downside to being a social retard....wait, theres an upside?

Today I'm going to talk about something that has plagued me my entire life. Its a little something I like to call "Social Retardedness". Before anyone pounces on me about the political correctness of the word "retard", lemme just tell you that I am different in a social sense. Or you could say challenged....or.... hell, people, I'm freakin' retarded.

All my life I have been scared of people. Scared to say hello, scared to smile at someone and TERRIFIED to start a conversation with a stranger! I suck at small talk and have even had panic attacks about making phone calls. Even something as innocuous as making an appointment for a massage scares me because I have to actually talk to a stranger. When I was a kid, I used to make my sister call the movie theater to get showtimes.....back before the internet.....and probably newspapers....oh, wait, newspapers were BEFORE the telephone....ok, yea, I'm not THAT old.

Anyway, you get the point. I have tried desperately to squeak through life trying to be invisible and not actually even have to say good morning to my coworkers each day. Its completely irrational I realize, but for some reason I feel that people are going to yell at me, tell me I suck, tell me my outfit is horrible or I smell or something. I dunno. Makes no damn sense because I actually shower most days, I don't suck (actually pretty cool) and am quite clever at crafting nice outfits. It wasn't until college and I started partaking in the "beverage", that I realized its fun to talk to strangers and talk to people about all sorts of subjects. But since drinking isn't a super cool way to show up to work, or drive to the mall, or anything else for that matter, I live in the social retard zone most of the time.

But its funny how my social retardedness affects others. Just when I think I'm probably the most socially insecure person out there, someone one ups me by confronting me about why I NEVER say good morning to them. Do I not like them? Do I think they smell? Do I not care about their life? Do I just not want to be friends with them? And yes, I ACTUALLY had this conversation with someone last week and as you can imagine, I sat there dumbfounded.....staring at if they had a big hairy mole......just below their lip. And boy, did I have to get creative with my answer.

Actually, it wasn't too difficult.

I outright pointed my finger at my evil friend Social Retard and asked if they noticed that I don't say hello to anyone? (Nope, they never caught that. Thought it was only them) I then reminded them that since they had ripped me a new a-hole a few weeks earlier about something so benign and trivial that I was now scared to say hello to them because I was afraid (bi-polar) that they may freak out on me again about something. [spinning fingers around my ears "crazy"]

Yea, okay, I was nicer about it, but I did tell them that it had nothing to do with them and that I would make an effort and I was sorry they felt that way. To which they responded "Well, don't say good morning now just because I said something!"




Yep, nope, nothing but shear anxiety now about how to handle this one.


No wonder I'm single.

Which brings me to, I could blog about this for a you have a week to read this? Yea, me either. But anyway, heres the scene.

INT. NIGHT - 7pm at the Grocery Store.

Me: (thoughts) I think I'll just stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things since I hear there are lots of cute single men at the store in the evening.......WOW! There ARE a lot of cute men in the grocery store at night! And theres one coming this way! Aaaaannnd, I'm looking at the floor......and I'm checking out........and I'm leaving. Why am I leaving!?!?

This is the part that annoys me endlessly. I never make eye contact, I act annoyed that there are people in my way and I practically RUN out of the grocery store....why? Because some cute man is going to run after me to get my number? Because I've watched too many God damned movies? Nope, wrong, wrong, wrong! (Well, right, on the too many movies) Because I am a social retard and I will actually get a horrible, wicked, wretched case of DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH if a hot guy actually starts a conversation with me! Then I'll say something stupid and I'll look like a freak (or retard) and they will go "Yep, nope, crazy." [spinning finger around ear]

So I spare myself the horrific scene that I would, no doubt spend weeks, months and YEARS playing over in my head and beating myself up about. But being a social retard is a lonely existence and its a lot of effort to try and blend into the background and not be noticed. Plus, I never realized how much my trying to be invisible actually messes with other peoples insecurities.

But the world is scary and until being drunk all the time is acceptable, I will soldier on, hugging the wallpaper and thanking God I can actually look up movie times and MANY other things on the internet! Whoever invented the internet gets two BIG thumbs up from me.....

......the social retard.

Don't yell at me..........(retreating into my cave)

No comments: