Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The closing Door

Just a moment in the day.  An exhale.  I don't think I honestly breathe enough.  Last week, the world was coming down on me so much that I noticed I was holding my breath....while driving.  Doesn't seem like the best way to exist while doing 70 on surface streets....for those who don't live in LA, 70 on surface streets gestures up a cough with a "b*llsh*t" disguised within it.  Ok, but the point is, I wasn't breathing. Which meant I was probably so distracted that I wasn't paying attention.  The good news in all of this is that it was probably one of the few times I wasn't enveloped in road rage.  A true rarity for me indeed. 

Why have I held my breath?  Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?  The lottery numbers to be read?  Waiting to see if the outfielder catches the hit?  No.  I'm waiting to see if the door is really closing.   Sure feels that way.  

Here's the thing.  In exactly 10 days, I am being catapulted into a new decade and I'm not sure if I like it.  On April 25, 2009, I will be 40 years old.  

There.  I said it.  I never thought I would mind 40 because, well, I was super excited to turn 30!  Couldn't wait!  Told everyone!  Threw a huge BBQ and invited everyone!  Even got a bottle of Patron from a friend!  Along with a lot of soap and lotion. (Note: don't give someone soap and lotion.  Two things:  It says you don't know them very well or aren't paying attention  AND it implies they smell.  Moving on.)

I'm spending my 40th in Paris with my family.  The best way to think to spend it....considering.  Considering what you may ask?  Considering I'm not married or have so much as a boyfriend.  And this is where the world comes down.  I've done this to myself.  No one to blame but me.  Well, I could blame one person, but we'll leave her out of this because its up to me to get over my fears.   Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not dreading spending my 40th with my family, I love them and am really excited to travel with them, but I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a best friend and significant other in my life.  What if I had kids?  What if I had my career, my husband AND my kids? Forty wouldn't be so scary.  The door is closing on the baby maker.  

All my friends keep telling me, "Oh but you don't look 40!  You look great!  Why are you dreading it when you look amazing?"  Let me say this once and only once......BECAUSE THE BABY FACTORY IS CLOSING ITS DOORS AND IT HASN'T EVEN PRODUCED ANYTHING!!! 

I'm not afraid that I look old, I'm afraid the babies will never come and I'll be that old lady living with her dog.  So sad.  And with that comes the official end of youth.  When you can no longer produce children, you are no longer youthful.  I am thankful that I look early to mid 30's.  REALLY THANKFUL, but the problem is, I also attract the 20-30 something male crowd that just want to party like a rockstar and I've already been there, done that and done it REALLY well.  

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the husband.

I'm ready for the babies.

I'm ready for the new life.

I'm ready to give up the 2 seater for a 4 door.

I'm ready.

But turning 40 and having none of those just makes me sad.  As we make dinner reservations for that fateful night, I can't help but feel like its a last supper.  Almost as if my life is ending on that day.  April 26th will not come for me.  I will cease to exist.  Ok, well, my youth will cease to exist.  But it feels bigger than that and bigger than me.

As I spin out of control into my 40th birthday, I just pray that I can get out of my own way long enough to still have hope that all my desires are attainable.  Don't know if I can though.  Many years of disappointment have left me sans strength for that kind of crap.  Its so discouraging because anything else in my life, anything I have ever wanted or dreamed of, I have made happen.  Master manifestor.  If I wanted it, I made it happen.  But this eludes me.  It haunts me, taunts me and pokes fun at me.

If I can have one wish for my birthday, its for a family of my own.  A loving husband who is down to earth, sensible, a great provider, caring, strong, faithful and above all, my best friend.  And of course, my kids. Two biological and then 2 adopted.  A big family, with joyous Christmases and holiday getaways.   I know it looks like I am asking for 'perfection' but thats not it.  I want the regular challenges and I want to get through them with my family.  It can only make us stronger. 

So on April 25, 2009 while blowing out the candles, I will make my one wish and spend the last bit of hope I have into making it come true.

Wish me luck.

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