Monday, September 15, 2008

The rollercoaster

Coming up Wednesday will be 4 weeks since I put Peanut down.  Friends warned me about the ups and downs, but since I was feeling better last week, I thought I was through it.....for the most part.  I guess I am, but for some reason the weekends set me off, especially Sundays.  Every week since I let Peanut go, I get weepy on Sunday nights.  I have to call in to Hibachi (a local restaurant) and order salmon for the week.  I hate cooking fish, because I suck at it, and they do such a nice job of broiling it, and the owner is my I'd rather they do it.  

Just getting up the nerve to call chokes me up.  Walking there, I am always on the verge of tears and walking home is always the torrent.  Maybe because I would tuck Peanut in my hoodie for the walk because I felt safer.  Or maybe because everyone would give him a pat and ask how he is doing. (Yes, I snuck a dog into a restaurant.) Or just maybe he was woven into every part of my life and Sunday evenings just make it so obvious that he is gone.

So today, I am filled with anxiety.  I don't know why.  I am so anxious and feeling like I am going to explode in a fit of emotions.  I had to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End, for the umpteenth time for a project, and at the end, I was sobbing.  Ok, its sad that Elizabeth and Will only see each other once every 10 years, but I've seen this movie a gajillion times and so why am I now crying?  Ugh.  Emotions. 

I think my downfall was drinking a Diet Coke.  Its a fast forward into anxiety land.  How annoying.  I drank it because I fell asleep TWICE while watching Pirates....for the umpteenth time.  Go figure.  Now I'm drinking chamomile tea to try and offset it.  Total pain in my ass.  Seriously, who has time for out of control emotions...not me.  Not ever.

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