Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Save me!

I've really been wanting to blog, but there has been such a swirl of things going on that trying to pin down one thing to blog about was like trying to wrestle a chicken leg away from Monkey.  But tonight I thought about a major turning point in my life that recently happened and I thought I'd share it because it literally unlocked so much for me.  Dare I say, it unlocked the true me.

The past 2 years have been brutal on my self-esteem, my future, my friendships and how I viewed myself. I got really lost and tumbled like I was caught in a wave.  A few times I didn't know which way was up and felt like I was being held under biggest fear, by the way.

So the past few months, I've worked on getting my head back above the water, then looking for a life preserver......and then a freakin' boat to finally get me to shore!  What's funny is that life, truly is like being lost at sea sometimes.   Days can be calm and beautiful, while others are dark and stormy with waves tossing you around, desperate for a breath of air.  But being lost at sea is difficult because you aren't living you are just trying to survive and that single solitary struggle can exhaust you not only physically but also mentally.  When you are focusing on survival, you aren't even looking for a way out, its just staying alive.  Looking to be saved typically requires others to help you.  A boat.  A plane. A dolphin that talks....but that would be a hallucination you'd have while surviving and possibly ingesting too much sea water.

So it comes down to a moment when you are crying out for someone....ANYONE to save you....and they don't ever arrive.  So what do you do?  Give up and die? Or try to save yourself?

That's where I ended up a few weeks ago.  I was struggling.  I was hurting.  My life wasn't working the way I wanted or thought I deserved because I'd worked SO hard for SO long only to have it all washed away in a blink.  I was truly lost and started searching for answers and was looking for them in a way I did many times.  Looking for the answers in others.  People popped in my head, "Oh, I'll ask her!"  or "Wait, I think he could shed some light on this!" but then I'd feel the emptiness.   It's like that feeling when you eat something you'd been craving or buy something you'd been wanting.  It'd bring joy for a moment and then the emptiness would return.

I spent a few weeks twisting on this because I KNEW no one had the answers.  I knew it was empty and it frustrated me.  I wanted to kick trees and throw rocks at street signs.  I just wanted so badly for someone to save me, to give me the answers, to unlock something inside me!  Then one day the answer came but it wasn't what I wanted to hear.  I heard loud and clear that "I" had to find the answers within.  Its funny because for so many things in my life I knew this concept, like when it came to me understanding that I had to leave a job or I'd leave my sanity. Or my time in a city had run its course and it was time to move on, but looking inside to find the answer to open myself up?!  Insanity!  Especially since I was so guarded and scared of certain aspects of who I thought I was.

Two weekends ago, I was on Week 3 of Lori Harder's Bliss Habit and surrounded by several friends, when the flood gates opened and they OPENED WIDE!  It was a torrent of tears releasing years of pent up frustration, fears and horrible messages I had running in my head. I thought the wall within me was just one of 4 walls, in a room of my subconscious but it was more like a wall holding back secrets and lies.  Once I let them out, I felt the light within me turn on brighter than I'd ever imagined.  I felt free.  I felt like the boat finally arrived to pluck me from the ocean and it was a boat that I had manifested just by finally knowing and acknowledging that I had the answers the entire time.

The funny part about manifesting is that you don't really have to do much, its just knowing that something is what you want and letting the "how" be up to the Universe/God and then trusting that.  So many things I've manifested in my life like the car of my dreams, a beautiful beach bungalow in Southern California and now a life without limitations.  I found the key and it was inside me the entire time.  The voices in my head told me I didn't know anything, I was worthless, I had nothing to contribute to the world, I wasn't good at certain things and therefore should never try but now I know that I can do ANYTHING especially because I have that "pull" in my gut that hasn't failed me yet.  Its the same pull that told me I had to leave the east coast for the west.  The same pull that told me I had to leave one city for another even though I knew no one in the new city.  I just always trusted the pull and I think that nagging pull brought me through the worst struggle of my life these past 2 years to deposit me right in front of my bliss, my gift, why I was born.  I just had to unlock it.

While the struggles were horribly difficult and they almost took me under a few times, I fought for my life.  I fought for my breath and I saved myself.  I ACTUALLY saved myself and saving myself taught me that I am worth it and I do know some things, some pretty amazing things! But most of all it taught me to trust that pull and hang on, no matter what because if I'm powerful enough to save myself, I can do anything. I am no longer just surviving...I am finally living.  Go me!

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