Parking Nazis in Hermosa Beach.

Gotta tell you, there are MANY things I love about Hermosa Beach. Many! The beautiful beach, my awesome neighbors, hot firemen, great restaurants and there is only one thing that makes me hate it.....the city office that controls the parking passes. Yea, yea, yea, I get it. People are trying to scam them into getting guest passes and temporary passes and stickers all the time. There are a lot of shysters out there. But I am not one.

In the morning, a few weeks back, I was driving down the main drag of Hermosa Avenue, on my way to Starbucks and saw someone pulling out of a parking space. I put my blinker on, stopped and within a minute, was rear-ended by a box truck from a lighting company. Old boy wasn't paying attention. Clearly. The upside....if there is one in this situation....my car surprisingly suffered little damage. (The box trucks grill was smashed and was leaking several fluids....serves him right!) Anyway, the downside was now I had to deal with getting my car fixed. Luckily, the driver, Scruffy, I'll call him that since he hadn't seen a razor in awhile, Scruffy fully...and rightfully...admitted to the accident, so then began the dance of exchanging information.

Fast forward a week or so when I get the rental vehicle while my car is in the shop. Since I have lovely neighbors, they let me leave my new Ford Escape.....dreadful vehicle....in their garage the first night, since there was no way it would fit in my tiny garage....unless I wanted to sleep in it. SO....I march on down to the Office of Finance at Hermosa's City Hall to get a temporary parking pass after I left the gym that morning. I brought the things I figured I needed, like a utility bill and the car rental agreement. As lovely as these local people are, they are really quite odd. They are all women and they stand behind the main desk and stare at you with the blankest of looks. I couldn't even VENTURE a guess as to what is going on in their heads....its like they are poker players...or....or....missing cerebral activity. They must train 'em like this because its bizarre and uniform to all the workers.

Anywho, I walk in, praying this will be a breeze. I tell the young lady I need a temporary pass for a rental car for a week....and she stares at me....a good 15 seconds.....as if I had asked her if it'd be alright that I park my spaceship on city hall....and then she says, "Do you have the estimate from the repair shop?"

"Uh, not on me. But heres my utility bill and my car rental agreement."

"Here is our fax number."

"I can't just get the pass really quick? I'm late for work."

"We need the estimate to determine how long you need the pass."

"I told you, till the end of the week. Friday. Its Tuesday. So that would be only about 3 1/2 days."

"We need the estimate to determine...."

"Um, yea, you said that....uh, okay. Thanks for being so helpful."

As soon as I get outside the office, I call the repair shop, explain the sitch and ask them to fax over the estimate. He says he will take care of it. I also explain I need it sent now because I need to pick up this pass....now.

So I leave, go home, take the poor chihuahua on a supersonic walk, shower, shovel food in, get all gussied up and zoom on back over for another staring contest. The same young lady helps me and stares at me as if we have just met.....so I explain it again....

(AHA! I just got it! All the Stepford wives live HERE!)

Once I go through it all again, she goes to the fax and says nothing came in. I tell her I called them over an hour ago. Nope. Nothing.

Dern.

So I call the repair shop.......again.

Explain myself.....again.

Ask them to fax it now.......again.

Thank them......again.

(Jeopardy music playing as we wait...)

"Oh here it is." She says 10 minutes later. It finally comes over.

The young lady then starts examining my other paperwork and informs me that my phone bill is too old. "Its two months old" she tells me.

"Its from June"

"But its July"

"But I haven't gotten one for July yet and its NOT 2 months old."

"Do you have a more current utility bill?"

"Do you have a new facial expression?" (Sooooo badly wanted to say that, but didn't)

"Uhhhh....OH! I just got my gas bill sent to me via email this morning on my phone! Here! Here, this is current!"

(I point to the place where it says "Gas Company" and the place where it says my address and an amount.)

"I need something to determine the address for the bill."

"Uh, its right there!" I point again.

"No, can you log into your account?"

"On my cell? That'll take hours and I don't even have AT&T but it'll take me that long to figure out my password. I'm on auto-pay. They send me this bill, they take my money from my account. See? Real simple....unlike THIS!"

"I will have to speak to my manager."

At this point, I am a weeeeee bit annoyed and can't believe this girl is giving me so much crap. I just need a pass for 3.5 freakin' days and then the ridiculous Ford Escapes-my-mind-why-anyone-would-buy-it, can go back to the rental car agency. Why is this so hard? I am at the end of my rope.

"Look, I don't have time to go home and get another bill that I don't even have anyway because all my utility bills are on auto pay except my Verizon cable which IS HERE. Can you please just give me the pass so I can get to my job that I am ALREADY 20 mins late for? I'm not asking you to build me a freakin' garage!"

She finally starts filling the pass out and tells me the pass will cost $1.

I put a dollar on the counter.

She continues......slowly filling out the pass....

"Next time you will need to bring a more current utility bill."

This time *I* stare at HER.

Then she says, "The pass is good through Thursday. If you need the pass through the weekend, you will need to bring the new estimate and a more current utility bill."

"So I'd need to come back Friday and do this dance again with you?"

"No, we are closed Fridays."

You gotta love small towns.

How NOT to name drop.

Alright class, settle down. We are going to go over a very basic social phenomenon and how NOT to do it. Yes, name dropping.

I recently and unwillingly fell into a conversation with a coworker that I'll call "PJ". He's one of those guys that constantly has to prove that he is relevant and knows something, despite his being much younger than the rest of us and therefore less experienced. And instead of just kicking back, opening his ears and maybe learning a thing or two, he insists on telling stories about when he worked here or there and blah, blah, blah....ow, my ears are bleeding...

Anyway, one day he shares with me the mother of all name dropping stories. And much to my delight, I will now pass it on to you! (hopefully YOUR ears won't bleed) So, here he is excitedly standing in my doorway, eyes all lit up and trying so hard to win my approval, so he launches into this story:

"Ok, so like, I was at a restaurant one day with my friends and I'm all, dude, our waiter looks familiar and so I say to my friends 'Dude! Our waiter looks familiar' and they're all 'Dude! Yer right! He does look familiar!' and so I'm all, huh, I wonder where I know him from and then he like, opens his mouth and he's like, got an Australian accent and he's like, Asian, and thats really unusual, cuz Asians aren't from Australia, so I'm all, dude, I know who this guy is! And my friends are all, 'Dude! Who is he?' and I'm all 'Dude! Its the guy that played the best friend of the one girl in the sequel of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!".

(this is where I am staring at him.....occasionally blinking....)

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, I finally say,

"I have no f**king idea who you are talking about."

Wind out of his sails, he's defeated, but for the love of God! Does ANYONE know who the hell he is talking about?

Name Dropping Rules:

1. Don't tell your story in one long run on sentence.

2. Don't use the word "dude" where a period should be.

3. MAKE SURE THE CELEB IS ACTUALLY SOMEBODY THAT PEOPLE KNOW!!!

I don't know what to do with this kid, but people, let this be a lesson! If you are going to go out on a limb to name drop, have it be about someone like Bono or Lindsay Lohan! At least we could launch into a conversation about how do you think Lilo will fair in jail or something! Poor little dude. I probably crushed him, but I seriously had no F-in idea who he was talking about and if any of you DO, please send me a link because I don't know any Asians that actually come from Australia! Hahah! Silly kid, actually thinks that that was a possibility! Aaaaahhhh, youth!

Costco discriminates against single people.

Think about it for a second. How much sense does it make for a single person to go to Costco? I mean, I guess its great if you have a large freezer and don't mind eating chicken every day for 2 months, but lets face it, its really not designed for us single folks! I, for one, actually have one of those 3/4 size fridges, so I can fit even less and each time I open the damn thing, something is always bound to come shooting out at me. Rogue broccoli, disgruntled fish filets.....not sure how they'd become disgruntled.....or even what that means, but they are on a mission to GET OUT.

But back to Costco, grrrrr Costco. You know what they need? A singles area! Seriously! A place where us unattached can hang out and buy single servings of things at a reasonable price....and maybe have a bar! Yea! Yea and a rope to keep the families out! "SINGLES ONLY" I love it! I mean seriously, I go there and I get run over by the screaming children whose mom has already given them too much candy, and shes in a bad mood so she is hellbent on running us singles over with her shopping cart cuz we look like we haven't a care in the world. Then the dads that almost look like they'd rather be anywhere else, except for the fact that Costco places the electronics RIGHT INSIDE THE FRONT DOOR. (they aren't stupid) So the dads are stuck, all glossy eyed looking at the 6000" inch plasmas and mom is trying to wrangle the chickens...er, kids and then us single folks end up looking at the books and DVDs because we couldn't possibly eat those portions of food in a year!

Which brings me to my next thought. How much are you actually saving? Stay with me on this one. You see a 10lb bag of peanut M&M's and you go, "FIVE BUCKS! FIVE BUCKS? Really?!? WOOHOO!!! FIVE BUCKS FOR M&M's!!" You take those colorful little nuggets home and they become your friend. You love them and hold them close, even wrapping the bag up in a blanket on the couch so its cozy while you enjoy them as you watch your favorite reality train wreck.

Then it happens. That day comes where you finish that bag. And guess what?

THAT 10 POUNDS OF M&M's IS NOW RESTING COMFORTABLY ON YOUR ASS!!!

So.....now what do you do? You start shopping for gym memberships. How much do you think it will cost for the three months it will take you to get those M&M's off your ass? (And whatever other snacks you got on the cheap at Costco?) It ain't gonna be $5 and I'm guessing those M&M's are now gonna cost you more like a few hundred. So is it really worth it?

And while we are STILL on the subject of Costco, whats up with the "family packs"? ANOTHER way Costco discriminates against singles. Don't you even need a "Family Membership" card to BUY the family packs? No? Well, I'm shocked. I'm sure they are working on one to further alienate us singles.

"I'm sorry ma'am, you have no husband or children, you can't buy that family pack of shampoo. We need proof of a household bigger than...ahem, one."

"But I have a dog!?"

"Sorry spinster. Move along. NEXT!"

Yea, yea, yea.

Speaking of family packs. Here's something to ponder. A family pack of condoms. Thats right........hmmmmmmm?!?! Shouldn't it be the NON-family pack? I mean EEESH!! First of all, is the father and son sharing them? Eeeeeewwwww!! And then isn't it a contradiction to have something that PREVENTS a family, packaged FOR a family?

Serious head scratcher.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Hocus Pocus saved me.

Two years ago, when I had to put my dog Peanut down, I injured my back. My chiropractor called it "Sympathetic Lower Back" and said its pretty common when someone experiences severe trauma. The moment I realized my dog was gone, I fell over onto the exam table, burst into tears and my back was "broken".

For the last two years, despite Advil, visits to the doctor, heat, ice, stretching, laying down, it didn't matter what I did, my lower back had CONSTANT pain. Each morning I woke up, I was like an 80 year old. I DREADED waking up because I had a day ahead of me and I had to fight through the mind numbing exhausting drain of pain. Just walking my new dog Monkey was a chore. I'd have to ice my back and stretch it on a stability ball just to be able to walk without severe sharp pains. I hated having to pick things up off the floor because I felt like my back would spasm and go out. I could only sit in a chair or on the couch in certain ways. Moving to a new position was difficult. Getting in and out of the car was almost impossible.

I was in hell.

Two days ago I went to a doctor of chiropractic who also does chakra balancing and other energy work. I went to her because I thought one or all of my chakras were blocked because my dating life was such a disaster. But because they ask you a host of medical questions, she inquired about my back. I told her I've always had a bad lower back because I injured it at 22 by throwing 100 lb bags of dog food around when I worked for an animal hospital. For the past 20 years, I'd thrown it out here and there, but it was never as horrific as it became when I put Peanut down.

The doctor laid me on a table and slide her hand under my lower back and then checked my body's energy reaction to that quick touch. She told me, "Thats grief. Are you ready to get rid of it?" I burst into tears and said yes. She sat me up and had me place my hand on my forehead and she started a series of touches on my back. I'm sure she did some other things but since she told me to concentrate on the grief, I was focused on the moment Peanut left me and the planet forever. She then had me lay back down and told me that it was good I was crying because that means I released it. I was so distracted by the rest of the visit where we covered a gambit of subjects that I didn't really take note of my back till I was at the office several hours later.

My lower back pain was gone.

Gone.

I could move again. I went from feeling 80 to feeling 30. I couldn't believe it was true and I was skeptical that it would stay. I figured I'd wake up the next morning and be all kinked up again. But no. THANKFULLY.....no. I felt like a new person! I had energy, I wanted to skip, I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I wanted to tell EVERYONE! I......just........couldn't believe it.

But here it is 2 days later and my back is still free. I caught myself slouching last night and it dawned on me that I haven't been able to do that for 2 years! Hahaha! I know I'm not supposed to slouch but it was so amazing to be able to do that and a thought about it never crossed my mind because there was no pain.

I'm still amazed I suffered through 2 years of that. Two years. No wonder I was exhausted all the time, I was fighting the pain. What on earth will I do with myself since I don't have that battle? Hopefully date and finally get married! Hahah! But in the meantime, I think I'll watch some tv.........and slouch!

One more thing....

After my Ryan Reynolds arrives, that I ordered a few days ago, I'm ordering this! *sigh* Gotta love some Hugh Jackman. Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm!

Open mouth, insert foot.

Do you ever open your mouth and just puke out something so fast that you didn't even consider running it through your filter, only to sit back and think "Aw crap. Shoulda edited that one"? So then you have two options. Backpedal like you are going for Olympic Gold and thus look like a nutjob, or you can try to distract and redirect everyone onto a new subject. Whatever the solution, you then end up running that conversation over and over in your head for months, perhaps even years, wishing you hadn't opened your mouth at all.

Its really quite funny how hard we are on ourselves. I said something yesterday that wasn't really that awful and it actually required some explaining, but once you say something kind of offensive and stupid, people have already made a judgement about you, so is it really necessary to try and frame it up for them?

I had met up with a friend, her daughter, mother-in-law and some people she knew to hang out and chat after being at the beach for a bit. We got on this conversation about Facebook and how its the new anti-socializing socializing, which is actually perfect for me, being the social retard that I am. Anyway, so we were talking about peoples updates and how it really tells us a lot about them. My friends MIL stated how this one "friend" of hers actually thinks she is quite important and has to state where she is at all times and who she is rubbing elbows with, while another seems to just broadcast how negative and depressed they are. Neither are things I hope to be broadcasting, so I say "How do mine come across?" My friend replies "Yours are just sarcastic." to which I reply "Eesh, I hate sarcastic people". My friends MIL's eyes, whom I've met several times before, got really big from this comment. As if to say "Well, hell, she must hate me then!"

Now, since I have time to explain to YOU, I will defend my comment....although I really wish I had run that sucker through a filter because I would have said instead "Really? Huh. Interesting!" Here is where my mind went immediately.

I thought about the dating world. I thought about all the guys I have gone on dates with who were SO SARCASTIC aaaaalll the time, that there wasn't a shot in hell that I would ever get to see who they really were. It was really exhausting. So now, if I read a guys profile and he says he is really sarcastic, I avoid him....at all costs. And maybe that is wrong of me, but I have been to hell and back with the sarcastic jokesters that are terrified to even let a bit of who they really are out.

So am I sarcastic? Me? Naaaaaah.......ok, maybe a litte. But I feel there is a time and place for it. I am learning and growing with its use. I rarely bring it on dates because it keeps my date at arms length and if I do bust it out, I make sure it is TOTALLY obvious that I am being sarcastic so there is no question of "was she kidding?". Its difficult enough to date, but to add a guessing game on top of it makes it downright painful. (I'd rather have my nails ripped off with pliers.....and yes, that was sarcasm)

This all leads me to wonder......how annoying is sarcasm? I like it at times, in the right situation, but do other people get annoyed that I am like this? I then think, do I really give a crap what people think? I guess a little, but more of it is to make sure that I am bringing a balance to it all. Like our conversation about peoples updates, I have friends that have one level of updates and its either they hate the world ALL THE TIME, or they love every day with passion ALL THE TIME, or they are telling us they are going to bed EVERY SINGLE DAY. I try really hard to not post the boring "I just got back from grocery shopping". I try and make them at least a little interesting. Yes. Sometimes I am just at the beach enjoying the weather and I have to share, but do I feel the need to post the ENTIRE experience? No.

10:52 "Going to the beach!"

10:57 "Yay! Laying on the beach!"

11:03 "Wow, the waves are HUGE today!"

11:05 "Just watched a surfer go over the falls!"

12:17 "Maybe I need some sunscreen."

12:31 "Sunscreen on!"

Alright....I'm bored just writing that. But my point is, I try to write things that are all over the place and somewhat interesting even though they may be twisted at times. (I blame my parents! You know who you are!......sarcasm.) So I will try to employ my filters a wee bit more. I know I have them....somewhere. In the meantime, I think I'm going to the beach and I need to update my Facebook status immediately with this because people want to know EVERYTHING I do! (I'm very important you know.)

(sarcasm)

Still waiting....

Note to self: Order me one of these!