And I thought I was challenged in dating...

Uh.

Yea.

So let me ask you all something.

If you saw THIS picture on a dating site, would you say "Aw! How cute! Lemme check out his profile!"

Or would you say......"What...........the..............f**k." ??

Yea, thats what I said too.

The above picture is from an actual dating site. Oh. Yes. It. Is.

First of all, to all you married ladies out there.....HUG YOUR HUSBANDS AND THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT SINGLE!! (Ali.....COOKIE!) And if you are having problems in your marriage, seek counseling because TRUST ME..........(yes, its the truth)...........YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE OUT THERE.

Right now, I would rather be zipped up in a sleeping bag with rabid porcupines, covered in fire ants with Tabasco in BOTH eyes than be single. Let me be blunt.

It sucks.

A$$.

With all these dating sites, guys don't have to work very hard. Plus they have a never ending supply of fresh ponies to take out on the town. Some guys just use these sites as a bang list. Its kinda sad and it makes nice girls like me lose faith in the fact that there actually are good guys out there.

I started internet dating back in 1995 when Match.com was Love@aol. Yea, I've been on there....that.....long. Over the years, I have tried all the sites. Eharmony, Chemistry, Match, OkCupid, FitSingles, etc. If its existed, I've been on it. All these years later, there are still the same guys on there, with the same pictures and the same bio. Albeit, 25 pounds later.....and no, they have not updated their pics.

I'm just tired of it all. I'm ready to settle down. I'm tired of the d*uchebags and the pics of themselves with their car and their sunglasses and the tough look on their face. I'm tired of the pictures where the guy is so far in the distance that you aren't sure if its a dude or a tree. I'm tired of the pics of the guys with girls hanging all over them. REALLY? Yer on a dating site and you've got a gaggle of drunk bimbs hanging on you? Do you think OTHER girls think thats hot? I'm tired of the guys with empty profiles saying "I don't feel I need to tell the whole world who I am. If you want to get to know me, just ask."

Ok. Let me get this straight, you aren't going to write anything on your profile and you want us to CHASE you and ask you to open up a WEE bit about yourself? Hey buddy, if you aren't going to take a moment to give us a glimpse of who you are, then we aren't going to take the lazy way out and even email or "wink" at you.

Don't get me started on the laziness of the "wink". Basically you don't even have to craft a sentence. You just click "wink" on someones profile that you like and then they get an email that says "(So and so) just winked at you! If you'd like to strike up a conversation with them, simply reply with something short and encouraging, like “Thanks for the wink! What's new?”

Um.......why?

Ugh.

I could go on about this........for.......ever.

In the meantime, I'll keep patrolling the grocery stores, trying not to say something retarded to the hot guy in produce like "Haaalllalllaaaaaaaa...uh....huuuaaa....." and then run for the door.

Ali, I'm writing you the check for your kids college fund so they will take care of me in the old folks home while I'm still mumbling...."Haaalllalllaaaaaaaa...uh....huuuaaa....."

Are you a Sugar Addict?

I've come to a realization.

I am a sugar addict.

I know sugar is socially acceptable......and it tastes REALLY, REALLY good.....and its cheap to get......and its easy to sneak....except trying to open a Snickers in a quiet room full of people......

BUT, there are many sugar addicts out there and they just may be your next door neighbor. Or they may just enable your habit by inviting you over after they've knocked off a cupcake store. So.....well, okay, so they are addicts too. But who isn't? I mean, I blame the Girl Scouts. And yes, I was one. But who offers up the most ridiculously delicious cookies RIGHT AFTER we have all made our resolutions to get skinny?

They are pushers. PUSHERS!! And don't let the little sashes, sweet smiles and high pitched "Do you wanna buy some cookies?" fool you!! PUUUUUSSSSHHHHHEEERRRRSSS!!! Run FAR AWAY FROM THE MIDGETS SPORTING TOOTHLESS SMILES AND SHINY EYES! THEY ARE HIGH ON SUGAR PEOPLE!!!

Just in case you aren't sure if you are an addict, read below.....and weep.....then eat a box of cookies......and when the high wears off......eat another box of cookies.......then weep some more. You may be surprised what an addict you truly are!

Most sugar addictions start with casual or social use of sugar. For some people, this is as far as it goes. For other people, using sugar becomes a habit and use becomes more and more frequent. As time passes, you may need larger doses of sugar to get buzzed and deal with that annoying co-worker across the hall. Soon you may need the sugar just to feel good. As your sugar use increases, you may find that it becomes increasingly difficult to go without it. Stopping may cause intense cravings and make you feel physically ill (withdrawal symptoms).

Sugar addiction symptoms or behaviors include:

• Feeling that you have to eat cookies regularly — this can be one or several boxes (esp. Girl Scout)
• Failing in your attempts to stop using the sugar
• Making certain that you maintain a supply of cake, candy, ice cream, etc.
• Spending money on the box of Thin Mints even though you can't afford it
• Doing things to obtain sugar that you normally wouldn't do, such as stealing from kids Halloween bags
• Feeling that you need sugar to deal with that annoying coworker ACROSS THE HALL!!
• Driving or doing other risky activities like playing Twister when you're under the influence of sugar
• Focusing more and more time and energy on getting and consuming mass quantities of sugar

Was there some head nodding? Some tears? Face it, you're an addict. Its the ugly truth and the quicker you face it....well, or the quicker you can get the dustbuster out to vacuum up the cookie crumbs off the couch to hide the evidence!!

You have to get your life back. You have to say "no'! You have stand up and say "NO MORE COOKIES YOU EVIL LITTLE DEMON PUSHERS FROM HELL!"

Or meet me at my house.....

.......I still have a box of Thin Mints in the freezer!

Taxes and Valium

Ah, tax time. Every January 1st the clock starts and the panic sets in. Because I have a day job AND a failing side business (thanks George Bush), I have to have everything sorted out in Quickbooks. (Refer to the blog about the call to Sam at Intuit.) Luckily my partner in crime of all things fried and delicious (and sugary), Lauren, is skilled in the accounting department, so she helped me enter all my credit card and bank statements. If I thought I was just retarded in the social department, I was dead wrong. I'm even MORE retarded in the banking, numbers, adding, subtracting and wondering what the F a 'debit offset' is department! Yea, Lauren got to watch me nervously wring my hands as she tried to explain some things to me. You see, when I was a kid, growing up in a house of intellectuals, I used to just say "I'm an artist! Leave me alone!" Us creative types are fuzzy on all things logical....although Lauren is creative too.....hmm, oh well, blows that theory out of the water.....but, I'm just thankful SHE gets it, cuz I REALLY don't!

Now here's the thing about valium. I don't take any drugs. Ever. Not even the recreational kind. I've never smoked pot, never popped a pill just cuz and I barely use Tylenol and the like because.....well, it usually doesn't work. But the few times that I have had surgeries and they've started me out on valium......I liked it. A LOT. I became the Mayor, or Miss America as I was wheeled down the hall, waving to everyone and cracking jokes. I thought I was funny! And I probably just slurred words like a stoned crazy person, but I was having fun. So with the impending doom of finding out how much I owed in taxes this year, I was really wishing I could hang with Prince Valium until the big reveal. But I didn't have any and thats not how I roll anyway, I face things HEAD ON!! And I was sure this was going to be another collision of epic proportions!

Anyhoo. So I rolled up to my accountants office last Saturday and before I put my purse down I begged, "Please!! Be good to me this year!" He said "Aren't I always?" to which I replied "Yes, but I need you to be SUPER EXTRA good to me this year!!"

You see, for the year 2008, I spent half the year as a 1099 freelancer and the other half on staff with my day job. So last year I ended up owing the state about $1000 and I owed $12,000 in federal taxes. Yea, I heard you say ouch and you ain't kidding! Thats a big, grab your backside "OUCH!". I had told Lauren to pray that I only owe 4 digits this year instead of 5, so I was hoping for a total of anything less than $10,000. It was a rough year and to make matters worse, my day job cut our pay by 10% so I was making even LESS in 2009. I guess its good cuz its less taxes, but I just felt the pinch all year!

So my accountant plugged all the numbers in and with my losses from my side business (thanks George Bush), which never seems to help much, I was sure I had wax build up because I swore he said that I only owed $1300 to the federal and the great (broke) state of California owed ME $350!

I'm sorry......

.........WHAT?

Wait.......

You have to repeat that, cuz I just hallucinated....

"You only owe $1300 federal"

Really?

Are you sure?

No, no, the decimal point is in the wrong place...

...it has to be.....

Did you add that up right?

Did you hit the wrong button?

I always owe A LOT more! That can't be right.....

"You were on staff all last year and so you paid a boat load in taxes so this is right."

I never wanted to kiss a man like I wanted to kiss this man! Poor thing, I probably scared him. I think he could smell I was contemplating jumping over the desk because he nervously rolled his chair back. And then I remembered that I was getting some money back from the STATE!! So I basically owe about $1000! And since I thought hell was descending on me, I had already saved that much up! This is the first year that I can pay my taxes ON TIME!

OH HAPPY DAY!!!

I was so in shock. I had spent weeks having anxiety in my sleep. Waking up at 4am worrying, worrying at the grocery store, the laundromat, the movies, the frozen yogurt shop, the gym. I spent weeks strategizing how I was going to come up with $10,000.....sell my kidney? Pimp my car out as a taxi? Going door to door with a sandwich smock putting those tree trimming fliers on apartment doors? (Get it? Tree trimming fliers for apartments? Yea, I get those all the time....and no, I have no trees.)

I had worried myself stupid.

And then I remembered it.

Something a very wise and VERY handsome man had said.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

Write that down.

So the skies have parted and the relief has set in and I am just so glad that I can relax now. Phew.

Lemme say it again.....

PhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwWWWWWWW!!!!

Oh look.....cookie!

April Fool's Day!!

Yea, I don't really have anything to say about April Fools Day itself, except that I was researching office pranks last night and I saw where someone put a stapler into a Jell-o mold and left it on their coworkers desk! Thats some funny stuff right there! Laughed till I almost peed myself!

Or you can just check out this site that tells you the "how to" and has pics of lots of other things suspended in Jell-o! Good times!

http://www.jellostapler.com/

The downside to being a social retard....wait, theres an upside?

Today I'm going to talk about something that has plagued me my entire life. Its a little something I like to call "Social Retardedness". Before anyone pounces on me about the political correctness of the word "retard", lemme just tell you that I am different in a social sense. Or you could say challenged....or.... hell, people, I'm freakin' retarded.

All my life I have been scared of people. Scared to say hello, scared to smile at someone and TERRIFIED to start a conversation with a stranger! I suck at small talk and have even had panic attacks about making phone calls. Even something as innocuous as making an appointment for a massage scares me because I have to actually talk to a stranger. When I was a kid, I used to make my sister call the movie theater to get showtimes.....back before the internet.....and probably newspapers....oh, wait, newspapers were BEFORE the telephone....ok, yea, I'm not THAT old.

Anyway, you get the point. I have tried desperately to squeak through life trying to be invisible and not actually even have to say good morning to my coworkers each day. Its completely irrational I realize, but for some reason I feel that people are going to yell at me, tell me I suck, tell me my outfit is horrible or I smell or something. I dunno. Makes no damn sense because I actually shower most days, I don't suck (actually pretty cool) and am quite clever at crafting nice outfits. It wasn't until college and I started partaking in the "beverage", that I realized its fun to talk to strangers and talk to people about all sorts of subjects. But since drinking isn't a super cool way to show up to work, or drive to the mall, or anything else for that matter, I live in the social retard zone most of the time.

But its funny how my social retardedness affects others. Just when I think I'm probably the most socially insecure person out there, someone one ups me by confronting me about why I NEVER say good morning to them. Do I not like them? Do I think they smell? Do I not care about their life? Do I just not want to be friends with them? And yes, I ACTUALLY had this conversation with someone last week and as you can imagine, I sat there dumbfounded.....staring at them......as if they had a big hairy mole......just below their lip. And boy, did I have to get creative with my answer.

Actually, it wasn't too difficult.

I outright pointed my finger at my evil friend Social Retard and asked if they noticed that I don't say hello to anyone? (Nope, they never caught that. Thought it was only them) I then reminded them that since they had ripped me a new a-hole a few weeks earlier about something so benign and trivial that I was now scared to say hello to them because I was afraid (bi-polar) that they may freak out on me again about something. [spinning fingers around my ears "crazy"]

Yea, okay, I was nicer about it, but I did tell them that it had nothing to do with them and that I would make an effort and I was sorry they felt that way. To which they responded "Well, don't say good morning now just because I said something!"

Hmm.

Uh.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Yep, nope, nothing but shear anxiety now about how to handle this one.

*sigh*

No wonder I'm single.

Which brings me to dating.....man, I could blog about this for a week.......do you have a week to read this? Yea, me either. But anyway, heres the scene.

INT. NIGHT - 7pm at the Grocery Store.

Me: (thoughts) I think I'll just stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things since I hear there are lots of cute single men at the store in the evening.......WOW! There ARE a lot of cute men in the grocery store at night! And theres one coming this way! Aaaaannnd, I'm looking at the floor......and I'm checking out........and I'm leaving. Why am I leaving!?!?

This is the part that annoys me endlessly. I never make eye contact, I act annoyed that there are people in my way and I practically RUN out of the grocery store....why? Because some cute man is going to run after me to get my number? Because I've watched too many God damned movies? Nope, wrong, wrong, wrong! (Well, right, on the too many movies) Because I am a social retard and I will actually get a horrible, wicked, wretched case of DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH if a hot guy actually starts a conversation with me! Then I'll say something stupid and I'll look like a freak (or retard) and they will go "Yep, nope, crazy." [spinning finger around ear]

So I spare myself the horrific scene that I would, no doubt spend weeks, months and YEARS playing over in my head and beating myself up about. But being a social retard is a lonely existence and its a lot of effort to try and blend into the background and not be noticed. Plus, I never realized how much my trying to be invisible actually messes with other peoples insecurities.

But the world is scary and until being drunk all the time is acceptable, I will soldier on, hugging the wallpaper and thanking God I can actually look up movie times and MANY other things on the internet! Whoever invented the internet gets two BIG thumbs up from me.....

......the social retard.

Don't yell at me..........(retreating into my cave)

Sometimes I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, hate my job.

Being a trailer editor is a really great, fun and challenging job. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. Using music combined with picture to create moments is a passion of mine. When I was in film school, I wanted to edit music videos, but I think this is actually better.

Here's the part of my job that I hate though. I hate that I can't tell anyone what I'm working on and that we basically get no recognition for it. When people hear what I do they invariably ask "Oh! So I'll see your name in the credits?" Uh...yea, no. See, motion picture advertising doesn't have credits.....anywhere. In fact, some of our clients ask that we (editors) not display their trailers or tv spots.....anywhere. Sorry folks, but I need to have a reel to show potential employers so you got to suck it up on that one. But still it stinks that I can't even TELL people what exciting things I am doing so when it comes out I can say "Remember all those weeks I worked on that? Well there it is!"

I also hate that you get to know different people in the industry involved in the projects you work on and you can't even say to them "I loved the costumes you made" or "Your dancing was amazing and you always stuck out in the group dances". Well actually, I COULD share my thoughts with people that worked on the projects at the production level and friends and family.....if I want to lose my job and be black listed from the industry.

It really sucks because although I don't do this job for the recognition, it sure would be nice to be able to share it with people and also shower some recognition on others that worked on it. But instead, we have to all act like we don't know each other.

I just feel so restricted and held down. I'm having so much fun with this latest project, but I can't........tell.........anyone. So instead I get so frustrated that I almost get mad at the project. The best part is that the movie isn't coming out for SEVERAL months so I have to keep mum. Its like being put in a straight jacket with a gag. After a while you get so irritated that you'd dislocate your shoulders just to get out of it!

But..........I guess...........in the end..........an out of work film editor with dislocated shoulders would be no bueno.

*sigh*

So I'll soldier on saying nothing.

Stinks.

Quickbooks

Aahhhh, software! My favorite subject! Well, okay, it would be if I were trapped on a deserted island and the only thing to read would be a leaflet of installation instructions that had just washed up on shore. Yea, usually those manuals get tossed aside as I throw caution to the wind and just start clicking on stuff! WOOOHOOO!! Look at me! One finger installation Ma!

Since its tax time and I love, love, LOVE taxtime! *coughB*LLS**Tcough* I opened up my Quickbooks 2006 in my brand spanking new, adorable, precious Mac laptop with the rip roaring new OS Snow Leopard. Yes, I was all set and all psyched to import all my bank statements that I had downloaded for 2009. So quick! So easy! So not happening.......

As I open my latest Quickbooks file from 2008, strange things were a-happenin'. Going back over previous transactions, I stumbled upon things like an entry for something I purchased that no longer had an amount in the charge column, but instead in the deposit column it said *overflow*. Huh? What the F is that? If I actually clicked on the entry, the amount would show, but if I clicked off, our lovely *overflow* was back. But my FAVORITE was a deposit that I had apparently made at a grocery store for $38,573!!! REALLY? Who knew you could make a deposit at your local grocery store! And btw, not a bank branch in the grocery store, but the ACTUAL grocery store!

Something ain't right. Time to call for backup.

So I call Intuit and get some guy named "Sam". Uhhhh....yyyeeeeeeaaaa. He was clearly East Indian and not in my time zone. (I was calling at 9:30pm on a Sunday) If he was in India, what is that.....4:45pm the following Tuesday? I'm no good with those time zone things. Yea, whatever.

Anyway, I explain these odd happenings to....."Sam"......and he cheerfully informs me that QB 2006 isn't compatible with Snow Leopard and that he can help me right away to get the latest version on my new shiny, happy, laptop.

Me: "Hey Sam. How much is this gonna cost me?"

Sam: "Well, you see for $169 we can get you upgraded tonight and this will include technical support, but we will wave that for you at this time and its normally $79"

Me: "Wait, so its $99?"

Sam: "No, its $169."

Me: "But wait, you just said....uh, nevermind."

Sam: "Ok, so do you want to upgrade now?"

Me: "Hey Sam? Why am I seeing QB 2010 online here for $130?"

Sam: "Well you see Miss Kira, it does not include the technical support..."

Me: "Sam? You just said the technical support fee was waved."

Sam: "Yes, Miss Kira, and we can take care of this right now over the phone...."

(Are you confused about those prices and what the hell is transpiring? Yea, I was too. Sam was making no dern sense, I was completely turned around and I just wanted to get off the freakin' phone!)

Me: "Hey Sam? I don't have $170 to blow out my @** right now, so I guess I'll just be doing my taxes on my old laptop....and then at some point buying QB 2010 online from somewhere thats CHEAPER!"

Sam: "Yes, but Miss Kira, it will not include the technical support for which you will have to pay $39.99 each time you call with questions!"

Me: "Uh, Saaaam? I bought QB 2006 back in 2006 and its now 2010 and this is the first time I am calling you."

Sam: "Yes, but Miss Kira?..."

Me: "Sam? Still doesn't change the fact that I don't have $170 to blow out my @**. But thanks anyway."

Sam: "Ok, well can I get your email address so that I can send you a log number for this conversation?"

Me: "Sam? I don't really need a recap of this conversation, but thanks anyway. Plus I don't like to give my email out."

Sam: "You don't want email updates from Intuit about our latest....."

Me: "Sam? Yea, no...not really. Just more crap that I have to delete. I won't read it. I promise you."

Sam: "Well, can I verify the email address we have on file?"

Me: (defeated) "Sure"

Sam: "We have Kira425 @adel...."

Me: "Oh yea! You can have that one! Its my old one and you are more than welcome to send emails to that one all day long! As many as you'd like! Knock yourself out!"

Sam proceeded to keep me on the phone for another few minutes as I buried my face into the couch, trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness that just unfolded.

I wonder if no one calls Intuit......EVER! Sam seemed bored and hell bent on keeping me on the phone. Although, I highly suspect that QB 2010 has several bugs that would require frequent calls to Intuit.

*sigh*

Moving on.

So I fired up my aging, decrepit old Mac and tried to import the transaction files from my checking accounts and credit cards. Funny, they weren't showing up in the register. After a little digging on Wells Fargo's website, I figured out that the first year they support QB for Mac was the 2007 version. Dern. So close.

Needless to say.......I had to suck it up and buy QB 2010.

And no, I did not call Sam, I bought it online for $130!!