Bullying

There has been a recent wave of news stories involving bullying. Its amazing that it is now becoming a hot topic because bullying has been going on forever. But with all the new ways to communicate and "broadcast" our lives, it makes sense that its getting more airtime.

The biggest story that we've all been hearing about is the Rutgers freshman, Tyler Clementi. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20018385-504083.html This story is incredibly tragic. Because homosexuality is still seen as something "bad" and "wrong", many of our young people try and fly below the radar and avoid questions about their sexuality and just cover it up altogether. They shouldn't have to, cuz guess what, God made them this way and God loves them too. Loving someone of the same sex isn't wrong, its what feels right to them and I say if they are lucky to have found love, then they are truly blessed!

It would be amazing to see what would happen if we all stopped judging each other and instead understood that we all want the same things. We all want to be happy. We all want to love and be loved and we all want to be heard and accepted. Imagine a world where we accepted and celebrated that people were different? We could learn a lot from each other if we could only close our mouths and open our minds. There is just too much intolerance and too many messages telling us that we are not okay just as we are.

With this in mind, there are some amazing things happening. First of all, I think MTV's new show "If You Really Knew Me" is brilliant. I don't even care that they don't play music videos anymore with shows like this. It really gets these teens to remove the mask that they live through everyday and expose who they really are. We ALL have fears, we ALL have insecurities, we ALL feel stupid, or put down, or not good enough at one time or another and anyone who says they don't, is flat out lying.

This show takes on the head cheerleader and the popular jocks who seem to have it all and you know what? They don't. All they do have is an ability to cover up what is going on for them with a smile because maybe they were taught that it wasn't okay to be anything but perfect. They have learned social skills to interact and hide all the pain and pressure they feel on a daily basis and pretend that everything is "perfect", but it never is.

When I was in school, I actually cycled through different ways of dressing to finally find myself. I went to public school through 6th grade and we were all just a bunch of back woods country kids without much money who all pretty much accepted each other. I remember some kids were waaaaay more attractive than me and some of my crew, but no one really made fun of anyone. I actually got lucky because I was quite a sight during those first 7 years of school. I had bucked teeth, short, stringy, greasy hair and glasses with bifocals. (Know any other 8 year old with bifocals?) I knew I was a mess and waited daily for the teasing about how I looked like a boy with overhanging Bugs Bunny sized chompers....but it really never came.

Even without the bullying, I still retreated into a world of keeping quiet and trying desperately not to stand out. Invisible was my name and I was good at it. I remember a kid in 3rd grade named Dion who had a wooden leg. Not really sure why he had the wooden leg, but kids were mean to him. He always seemed so resilient to it, even taking off his leg at recess and chasing kids with it who had made fun of him, all the while laughing. He didn't seem to need a savior but I'll bet he really would have appreciated someone standing up for him. I wish I could have been that person, but I had way too many things that kids could have zeroed in one and I wasn't about to step into the fire.

Junior high and the first year of high school I spent at an exclusive private school full of rich kids, with lots of money and lots more attitude. I was hitting puberty and on top of the glasses and now, braces, I had ridiculous acne. (Sweet! Every preteens dream!) Luckily my parents did their best to dress us like the others in polo shirts, khakis and L.L. Bean bulcher shoes and boy was I even MORE of a mess. Those that know me, know that preppy ain't a good look for me, but it allowed me again to fly under the radar and stay out of sight. But because of this "invisible" shield I wore, it kept people away and made me look unapproachable.

I remember walking down Senior Hall to go see my oldest brother at his locker. I was terrified to walk by the other seniors because I was a freshman and I was waiting for them to tell me to get the hell out of there, so I adopted the "Fuck You Face". This is the meanest most angry and tough face that I could conjure. Every time I walked through Senior Hall I'd wear it and finally one day my oldest brother told me that the seniors were afraid to talk to me because they were afraid I'd beat them up.

Wow.

Me? Beat someone up? I was a total chicken, but no one saw me that way and they were scared of me all because I didn't want to get picked on. Then I felt bad that I couldn't let my guard down. I did get to know some of my brothers friends, but I still felt like an ugly nerd that was a total retard and part of that came from the fact that I was failing out of that school. I think I got "D's"in all my class but Art and Music. Hmmmm.

My final three years of high school, I spent at an all girls boarding school and what a savior that was! The most incredible thing about that place was that you had kids like me from the boonies and kids of super wealthy NYC elite and we ALL got along and treated each other with respect. Sure there were groups of the wealthy kids and the not so wealthy, but the groups intermixed and mingled nicely. I'm not gonna say there was no teasing and making fun of people, but there was a lot less and more of a sisterhood.

When I first arrived my tenth grade year, I still wore the preppy look from my previous school and I had long stringy, greasy hair. Before dinner that first night, I had had my roommate cut my hair into a cute bob and had taken on a nickname because I was really, really tired of "Invisible Kira". She was a mess and I needed to become someone new so I could find out who I really was.

This school was incredible for me and it allowed me to spread my wings. By my senior year, I was sporting a mohawk and had explored all kinds of artistic areas. I had performed in musicals, art shows and even learned to play bass guitar in our all female band. I was in heaven because I had found things that I was good at and since the student body was more about supporting one another than tearing each other down, I blossomed.

I wish all kids had this kind of school to go to. I got really lucky that my parents recognized that I was drowning in my second school and that I needed a new environment. God only knows where I would have ended up if I had continued the years of feeling like a failure. It saddens me that some kids just fall through the cracks and don't get a chance to spread their wings, especially if they are bullied. If I had been picked on through those rough years, I would have become even more invisible and shut down than I already was and it was only because I knew that I wasn't attractive by societies standards. Its too bad that we can't focus on nurturing our kids talents more and less on looks because one day they are leaving us, like it or not!

Today, Joe Jonas posted a short video blog about bullying and I commend him for it. http://www.cambio.com/shows/cambio-cares/on-bullying So many kids look up to the Jonas Brothers and I really hope it inspires some kids to maybe stand up for the "Dions" in their schools. I know its hard because no one wants to become a potential new target but other kids would sure have respect for them if they stood up for someone else who is getting picked on. Even just sitting with a loner at the lunch table could change an entire schools dynamic. I really hope things change because its unacceptable for this to continue. No one should want to take their life for just being who they are and the teen to early twenties are when we are trying different things to see what works for us. This is our building and growing time and its not usually pretty but we should be allowed to have it because it makes us better people when we figure out what we love to do and who we want to love. We can be authentic. We can be real and I don't know about you but I sure love spending time with someone who is real because they feel like sunshine and fresh air. Fake people just downright bore me and its makes me sad that they don't know who they are because I'll never get to know who they are either.

I wish I were a celebrity because I would make a point to go around to schools and share with kids what a mess I was growing up, but how it all worked out in the end. Because I was unattractive and fell on my face several times, I was able to sculpt who I truly am underneath it all and take off the pieces that didn't fit. I realize the blessings that I have and I am now thankful for those "10 Years of Humbling" as I like to call it. It made me who I am today.

I was lucky that I wasn't endlessly teased. There were many things that I could have been taunted about, but let's look out for those who aren't so lucky. Let's take a stand for those who are just exploring who they are, whether it be through an odd way of dressing or the "nerdy" activities they enjoy. Just remember......karma is a bitch and it may be coming for you! That day that you get your dream job and the CEO is the tech geek from your high school, you'll either be thanking yourself for standing up for him/her or you'll be quickly looking for a new job!

Been awhile.

I realize it has been some time since I have blogged and honestly, I just haven't had anything to say. The summer weather has been non-existent here in SoCal this year and its hurled all of us that actually live at the beach into a depression of epic beer drinking proportions. Yes, even me! I had 2 beers last weekend! *gasp!* I know right? The world must be ending.

But really, it has been so colossal-y boring that my humor has left me. I have had weeks of "Groundhog Day" syndrome. Get up, go to the gym, go to work, come home, go to bed. I'd end it all if it weren't for the one true beacon that keeps me going in this world......that February brings Girl Scout cookies. Yes, Thin Mints are my life support right now.

How did my life get this sad and boring? I should have a super exciting, super amazing life! I mean, I guess I sort of do, but the day to day is a dronefest. Hmmmm. Lemme take an inventory of my life and the good things.

1. I live 2 blocks from the beach. Normally this is a plus, but these days its a reason to look for sharp objects, but we'll still put that in the positive category......for now.

2. I drive a beautiful sports car that I never imagined I'd own. Aside from the fact that a new set of tires is $1600+, an oil change is $600 and windshield wipers are $65.......I'll still put that in the positive category.

3. I have my health. I just came off a month long illness that developed into bronchitis and now impacted sinuses.....BUT, I'm still gonna put that in the positive category because I have all my limbs and the ability to move them.

4. I have a job. I'm not posting a downside to this, because in this economy, just being employed at ANY job is a plus. AND I actually like what I do and my boss, so yay! One TRUE positive!

5. I have great friends. Again, nothing but net on that one. CHING!

6. I have a great family. Makes me want to adopt orphans because everyone deserves a family even if they are like peanut brittle and it takes a lot of sugar to keep the nuts together.

7. I have a sweet, healthy little dog that makes me laugh. For those of you that are single, you appreciate the presence of a beast at home. No matter what kind of beast that is.......unless its a male roommate that makes the soap in the shower look like a hamster because he doesn't understand manscaping. Hence the reason I don't have a male roommate. I like my soap hair free.

8. I have multiple creative talents. Painting, photography, playing music, building things....now if I can just find time to actually create something.

Wow, I'm feeling better already. Now if the sun would come out, although we are all betting (praying) that this will lead us to an indian summer. We deserve it after this summer and the last one. All this crap about global "warming". You won't get anyone in the beach community buying that crap. Its been global freezing for us and its a good thing I have an impressive and extensive collection of hoodies! And my neighbor makes fun of me for it.......until she needs to borrow one.

Parking Nazis in Hermosa Beach.

Gotta tell you, there are MANY things I love about Hermosa Beach. Many! The beautiful beach, my awesome neighbors, hot firemen, great restaurants and there is only one thing that makes me hate it.....the city office that controls the parking passes. Yea, yea, yea, I get it. People are trying to scam them into getting guest passes and temporary passes and stickers all the time. There are a lot of shysters out there. But I am not one.

In the morning, a few weeks back, I was driving down the main drag of Hermosa Avenue, on my way to Starbucks and saw someone pulling out of a parking space. I put my blinker on, stopped and within a minute, was rear-ended by a box truck from a lighting company. Old boy wasn't paying attention. Clearly. The upside....if there is one in this situation....my car surprisingly suffered little damage. (The box trucks grill was smashed and was leaking several fluids....serves him right!) Anyway, the downside was now I had to deal with getting my car fixed. Luckily, the driver, Scruffy, I'll call him that since he hadn't seen a razor in awhile, Scruffy fully...and rightfully...admitted to the accident, so then began the dance of exchanging information.

Fast forward a week or so when I get the rental vehicle while my car is in the shop. Since I have lovely neighbors, they let me leave my new Ford Escape.....dreadful vehicle....in their garage the first night, since there was no way it would fit in my tiny garage....unless I wanted to sleep in it. SO....I march on down to the Office of Finance at Hermosa's City Hall to get a temporary parking pass after I left the gym that morning. I brought the things I figured I needed, like a utility bill and the car rental agreement. As lovely as these local people are, they are really quite odd. They are all women and they stand behind the main desk and stare at you with the blankest of looks. I couldn't even VENTURE a guess as to what is going on in their heads....its like they are poker players...or....or....missing cerebral activity. They must train 'em like this because its bizarre and uniform to all the workers.

Anywho, I walk in, praying this will be a breeze. I tell the young lady I need a temporary pass for a rental car for a week....and she stares at me....a good 15 seconds.....as if I had asked her if it'd be alright that I park my spaceship on city hall....and then she says, "Do you have the estimate from the repair shop?"

"Uh, not on me. But heres my utility bill and my car rental agreement."

"Here is our fax number."

"I can't just get the pass really quick? I'm late for work."

"We need the estimate to determine how long you need the pass."

"I told you, till the end of the week. Friday. Its Tuesday. So that would be only about 3 1/2 days."

"We need the estimate to determine...."

"Um, yea, you said that....uh, okay. Thanks for being so helpful."

As soon as I get outside the office, I call the repair shop, explain the sitch and ask them to fax over the estimate. He says he will take care of it. I also explain I need it sent now because I need to pick up this pass....now.

So I leave, go home, take the poor chihuahua on a supersonic walk, shower, shovel food in, get all gussied up and zoom on back over for another staring contest. The same young lady helps me and stares at me as if we have just met.....so I explain it again....

(AHA! I just got it! All the Stepford wives live HERE!)

Once I go through it all again, she goes to the fax and says nothing came in. I tell her I called them over an hour ago. Nope. Nothing.

Dern.

So I call the repair shop.......again.

Explain myself.....again.

Ask them to fax it now.......again.

Thank them......again.

(Jeopardy music playing as we wait...)

"Oh here it is." She says 10 minutes later. It finally comes over.

The young lady then starts examining my other paperwork and informs me that my phone bill is too old. "Its two months old" she tells me.

"Its from June"

"But its July"

"But I haven't gotten one for July yet and its NOT 2 months old."

"Do you have a more current utility bill?"

"Do you have a new facial expression?" (Sooooo badly wanted to say that, but didn't)

"Uhhhh....OH! I just got my gas bill sent to me via email this morning on my phone! Here! Here, this is current!"

(I point to the place where it says "Gas Company" and the place where it says my address and an amount.)

"I need something to determine the address for the bill."

"Uh, its right there!" I point again.

"No, can you log into your account?"

"On my cell? That'll take hours and I don't even have AT&T but it'll take me that long to figure out my password. I'm on auto-pay. They send me this bill, they take my money from my account. See? Real simple....unlike THIS!"

"I will have to speak to my manager."

At this point, I am a weeeeee bit annoyed and can't believe this girl is giving me so much crap. I just need a pass for 3.5 freakin' days and then the ridiculous Ford Escapes-my-mind-why-anyone-would-buy-it, can go back to the rental car agency. Why is this so hard? I am at the end of my rope.

"Look, I don't have time to go home and get another bill that I don't even have anyway because all my utility bills are on auto pay except my Verizon cable which IS HERE. Can you please just give me the pass so I can get to my job that I am ALREADY 20 mins late for? I'm not asking you to build me a freakin' garage!"

She finally starts filling the pass out and tells me the pass will cost $1.

I put a dollar on the counter.

She continues......slowly filling out the pass....

"Next time you will need to bring a more current utility bill."

This time *I* stare at HER.

Then she says, "The pass is good through Thursday. If you need the pass through the weekend, you will need to bring the new estimate and a more current utility bill."

"So I'd need to come back Friday and do this dance again with you?"

"No, we are closed Fridays."

You gotta love small towns.

How NOT to name drop.

Alright class, settle down. We are going to go over a very basic social phenomenon and how NOT to do it. Yes, name dropping.

I recently and unwillingly fell into a conversation with a coworker that I'll call "PJ". He's one of those guys that constantly has to prove that he is relevant and knows something, despite his being much younger than the rest of us and therefore less experienced. And instead of just kicking back, opening his ears and maybe learning a thing or two, he insists on telling stories about when he worked here or there and blah, blah, blah....ow, my ears are bleeding...

Anyway, one day he shares with me the mother of all name dropping stories. And much to my delight, I will now pass it on to you! (hopefully YOUR ears won't bleed) So, here he is excitedly standing in my doorway, eyes all lit up and trying so hard to win my approval, so he launches into this story:

"Ok, so like, I was at a restaurant one day with my friends and I'm all, dude, our waiter looks familiar and so I say to my friends 'Dude! Our waiter looks familiar' and they're all 'Dude! Yer right! He does look familiar!' and so I'm all, huh, I wonder where I know him from and then he like, opens his mouth and he's like, got an Australian accent and he's like, Asian, and thats really unusual, cuz Asians aren't from Australia, so I'm all, dude, I know who this guy is! And my friends are all, 'Dude! Who is he?' and I'm all 'Dude! Its the guy that played the best friend of the one girl in the sequel of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!".

(this is where I am staring at him.....occasionally blinking....)

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, I finally say,

"I have no f**king idea who you are talking about."

Wind out of his sails, he's defeated, but for the love of God! Does ANYONE know who the hell he is talking about?

Name Dropping Rules:

1. Don't tell your story in one long run on sentence.

2. Don't use the word "dude" where a period should be.

3. MAKE SURE THE CELEB IS ACTUALLY SOMEBODY THAT PEOPLE KNOW!!!

I don't know what to do with this kid, but people, let this be a lesson! If you are going to go out on a limb to name drop, have it be about someone like Bono or Lindsay Lohan! At least we could launch into a conversation about how do you think Lilo will fair in jail or something! Poor little dude. I probably crushed him, but I seriously had no F-in idea who he was talking about and if any of you DO, please send me a link because I don't know any Asians that actually come from Australia! Hahah! Silly kid, actually thinks that that was a possibility! Aaaaahhhh, youth!

Costco discriminates against single people.

Think about it for a second. How much sense does it make for a single person to go to Costco? I mean, I guess its great if you have a large freezer and don't mind eating chicken every day for 2 months, but lets face it, its really not designed for us single folks! I, for one, actually have one of those 3/4 size fridges, so I can fit even less and each time I open the damn thing, something is always bound to come shooting out at me. Rogue broccoli, disgruntled fish filets.....not sure how they'd become disgruntled.....or even what that means, but they are on a mission to GET OUT.

But back to Costco, grrrrr Costco. You know what they need? A singles area! Seriously! A place where us unattached can hang out and buy single servings of things at a reasonable price....and maybe have a bar! Yea! Yea and a rope to keep the families out! "SINGLES ONLY" I love it! I mean seriously, I go there and I get run over by the screaming children whose mom has already given them too much candy, and shes in a bad mood so she is hellbent on running us singles over with her shopping cart cuz we look like we haven't a care in the world. Then the dads that almost look like they'd rather be anywhere else, except for the fact that Costco places the electronics RIGHT INSIDE THE FRONT DOOR. (they aren't stupid) So the dads are stuck, all glossy eyed looking at the 6000" inch plasmas and mom is trying to wrangle the chickens...er, kids and then us single folks end up looking at the books and DVDs because we couldn't possibly eat those portions of food in a year!

Which brings me to my next thought. How much are you actually saving? Stay with me on this one. You see a 10lb bag of peanut M&M's and you go, "FIVE BUCKS! FIVE BUCKS? Really?!? WOOHOO!!! FIVE BUCKS FOR M&M's!!" You take those colorful little nuggets home and they become your friend. You love them and hold them close, even wrapping the bag up in a blanket on the couch so its cozy while you enjoy them as you watch your favorite reality train wreck.

Then it happens. That day comes where you finish that bag. And guess what?

THAT 10 POUNDS OF M&M's IS NOW RESTING COMFORTABLY ON YOUR ASS!!!

So.....now what do you do? You start shopping for gym memberships. How much do you think it will cost for the three months it will take you to get those M&M's off your ass? (And whatever other snacks you got on the cheap at Costco?) It ain't gonna be $5 and I'm guessing those M&M's are now gonna cost you more like a few hundred. So is it really worth it?

And while we are STILL on the subject of Costco, whats up with the "family packs"? ANOTHER way Costco discriminates against singles. Don't you even need a "Family Membership" card to BUY the family packs? No? Well, I'm shocked. I'm sure they are working on one to further alienate us singles.

"I'm sorry ma'am, you have no husband or children, you can't buy that family pack of shampoo. We need proof of a household bigger than...ahem, one."

"But I have a dog!?"

"Sorry spinster. Move along. NEXT!"

Yea, yea, yea.

Speaking of family packs. Here's something to ponder. A family pack of condoms. Thats right........hmmmmmmm?!?! Shouldn't it be the NON-family pack? I mean EEESH!! First of all, is the father and son sharing them? Eeeeeewwwww!! And then isn't it a contradiction to have something that PREVENTS a family, packaged FOR a family?

Serious head scratcher.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Hocus Pocus saved me.

Two years ago, when I had to put my dog Peanut down, I injured my back. My chiropractor called it "Sympathetic Lower Back" and said its pretty common when someone experiences severe trauma. The moment I realized my dog was gone, I fell over onto the exam table, burst into tears and my back was "broken".

For the last two years, despite Advil, visits to the doctor, heat, ice, stretching, laying down, it didn't matter what I did, my lower back had CONSTANT pain. Each morning I woke up, I was like an 80 year old. I DREADED waking up because I had a day ahead of me and I had to fight through the mind numbing exhausting drain of pain. Just walking my new dog Monkey was a chore. I'd have to ice my back and stretch it on a stability ball just to be able to walk without severe sharp pains. I hated having to pick things up off the floor because I felt like my back would spasm and go out. I could only sit in a chair or on the couch in certain ways. Moving to a new position was difficult. Getting in and out of the car was almost impossible.

I was in hell.

Two days ago I went to a doctor of chiropractic who also does chakra balancing and other energy work. I went to her because I thought one or all of my chakras were blocked because my dating life was such a disaster. But because they ask you a host of medical questions, she inquired about my back. I told her I've always had a bad lower back because I injured it at 22 by throwing 100 lb bags of dog food around when I worked for an animal hospital. For the past 20 years, I'd thrown it out here and there, but it was never as horrific as it became when I put Peanut down.

The doctor laid me on a table and slide her hand under my lower back and then checked my body's energy reaction to that quick touch. She told me, "Thats grief. Are you ready to get rid of it?" I burst into tears and said yes. She sat me up and had me place my hand on my forehead and she started a series of touches on my back. I'm sure she did some other things but since she told me to concentrate on the grief, I was focused on the moment Peanut left me and the planet forever. She then had me lay back down and told me that it was good I was crying because that means I released it. I was so distracted by the rest of the visit where we covered a gambit of subjects that I didn't really take note of my back till I was at the office several hours later.

My lower back pain was gone.

Gone.

I could move again. I went from feeling 80 to feeling 30. I couldn't believe it was true and I was skeptical that it would stay. I figured I'd wake up the next morning and be all kinked up again. But no. THANKFULLY.....no. I felt like a new person! I had energy, I wanted to skip, I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I wanted to tell EVERYONE! I......just........couldn't believe it.

But here it is 2 days later and my back is still free. I caught myself slouching last night and it dawned on me that I haven't been able to do that for 2 years! Hahaha! I know I'm not supposed to slouch but it was so amazing to be able to do that and a thought about it never crossed my mind because there was no pain.

I'm still amazed I suffered through 2 years of that. Two years. No wonder I was exhausted all the time, I was fighting the pain. What on earth will I do with myself since I don't have that battle? Hopefully date and finally get married! Hahah! But in the meantime, I think I'll watch some tv.........and slouch!

One more thing....

After my Ryan Reynolds arrives, that I ordered a few days ago, I'm ordering this! *sigh* Gotta love some Hugh Jackman. Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm!

Open mouth, insert foot.

Do you ever open your mouth and just puke out something so fast that you didn't even consider running it through your filter, only to sit back and think "Aw crap. Shoulda edited that one"? So then you have two options. Backpedal like you are going for Olympic Gold and thus look like a nutjob, or you can try to distract and redirect everyone onto a new subject. Whatever the solution, you then end up running that conversation over and over in your head for months, perhaps even years, wishing you hadn't opened your mouth at all.

Its really quite funny how hard we are on ourselves. I said something yesterday that wasn't really that awful and it actually required some explaining, but once you say something kind of offensive and stupid, people have already made a judgement about you, so is it really necessary to try and frame it up for them?

I had met up with a friend, her daughter, mother-in-law and some people she knew to hang out and chat after being at the beach for a bit. We got on this conversation about Facebook and how its the new anti-socializing socializing, which is actually perfect for me, being the social retard that I am. Anyway, so we were talking about peoples updates and how it really tells us a lot about them. My friends MIL stated how this one "friend" of hers actually thinks she is quite important and has to state where she is at all times and who she is rubbing elbows with, while another seems to just broadcast how negative and depressed they are. Neither are things I hope to be broadcasting, so I say "How do mine come across?" My friend replies "Yours are just sarcastic." to which I reply "Eesh, I hate sarcastic people". My friends MIL's eyes, whom I've met several times before, got really big from this comment. As if to say "Well, hell, she must hate me then!"

Now, since I have time to explain to YOU, I will defend my comment....although I really wish I had run that sucker through a filter because I would have said instead "Really? Huh. Interesting!" Here is where my mind went immediately.

I thought about the dating world. I thought about all the guys I have gone on dates with who were SO SARCASTIC aaaaalll the time, that there wasn't a shot in hell that I would ever get to see who they really were. It was really exhausting. So now, if I read a guys profile and he says he is really sarcastic, I avoid him....at all costs. And maybe that is wrong of me, but I have been to hell and back with the sarcastic jokesters that are terrified to even let a bit of who they really are out.

So am I sarcastic? Me? Naaaaaah.......ok, maybe a litte. But I feel there is a time and place for it. I am learning and growing with its use. I rarely bring it on dates because it keeps my date at arms length and if I do bust it out, I make sure it is TOTALLY obvious that I am being sarcastic so there is no question of "was she kidding?". Its difficult enough to date, but to add a guessing game on top of it makes it downright painful. (I'd rather have my nails ripped off with pliers.....and yes, that was sarcasm)

This all leads me to wonder......how annoying is sarcasm? I like it at times, in the right situation, but do other people get annoyed that I am like this? I then think, do I really give a crap what people think? I guess a little, but more of it is to make sure that I am bringing a balance to it all. Like our conversation about peoples updates, I have friends that have one level of updates and its either they hate the world ALL THE TIME, or they love every day with passion ALL THE TIME, or they are telling us they are going to bed EVERY SINGLE DAY. I try really hard to not post the boring "I just got back from grocery shopping". I try and make them at least a little interesting. Yes. Sometimes I am just at the beach enjoying the weather and I have to share, but do I feel the need to post the ENTIRE experience? No.

10:52 "Going to the beach!"

10:57 "Yay! Laying on the beach!"

11:03 "Wow, the waves are HUGE today!"

11:05 "Just watched a surfer go over the falls!"

12:17 "Maybe I need some sunscreen."

12:31 "Sunscreen on!"

Alright....I'm bored just writing that. But my point is, I try to write things that are all over the place and somewhat interesting even though they may be twisted at times. (I blame my parents! You know who you are!......sarcasm.) So I will try to employ my filters a wee bit more. I know I have them....somewhere. In the meantime, I think I'm going to the beach and I need to update my Facebook status immediately with this because people want to know EVERYTHING I do! (I'm very important you know.)

(sarcasm)

Still waiting....

Note to self: Order me one of these!

My sister in-law is fired.

Freakin' family! Every day I check a few things religiously to get my day started. One of them is the Cake Wrecks blog (http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/) because who doesn't love to point and laugh at baking disasters!? And one of the other is my sister in-laws blog. (http://bigskyknitting.squarespace.com/) I like reading her blog because it gives me an inside view into their day to day lives as well as the weather and other happenings up there in Montana. I like knowing what is going on with my nieces even if its dance class or band rehearsal. It keeps me in the loop and my SIL's writing style is amusing so its great fun to read about her run ins with a repair person or why my brother torched her entire garden. Good stuff.

But recently, she has been busy and because of this, the blog entries have been sporadic. I know I'm one to talk, but if I have nothing interesting to say, (or if Blogger DOESN'T SAVE AN ENTRY I SPENT 2 1/2 HOURS ON!) I'm certainly not going to bore you poor people. So it seems I must suffer on.........waiting.........patiently............oh and my niece is graduating from high school next month, so I don't know why she is busy........dum dee dum dum dum .......*tapping fingers*..........*whistling*..........*flossing teeth*...........*filing nails*..........Hmmm? Yep, I'm still waiting.......*more whistling*...........I'm hungry.

19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person

Alright peeps. I'm stealing this from a blogger for Glamour. I just couldn't have said it better myself and please note, they are ALL annoying but my least favorite, meaning I will want to put a gun to my head, is the old "It'll happen when you least expect it."
Okay, just shoot me now.
19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person

By dating blogger Erin Meanley for GlamourPhoto: Getty ImagesUpdated: Apr 28, 2010

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As a writer, I avoid cliches like the plague...HAHA! But seriously, cliches are old, tired, and they show absolutely no thought. I mean, do I make you read that some guy's skin was as white as snow? No. It's a major insult to your intellect. So when I have to hear a cliche or overused saying in the real world, as a response to my newly single status or some otherdating dilemma, it's offensive and frustrating."

More Glamour:

• Five Secrets All Guys Keep From You
• 12 Secret Signs He's Into You

Why do we have so many sayings and maxims for dating? A single gal is likely to get slammed with them ad nauseam as soon as she expresses any unhappiness at her situation.

Since we could all use a good laugh, I asked some friends and Twitter followers to send in their most hated adages. I know you've heard them all before, but I just couldn't believe how many there were! Here's a tiny compilation. Enjoy -- today, they're not directed at you!

It happens when you're not looking. "This is just bull. Some people find people when they're looking; some don't. You're not doing anything wrong by going out and meeting people." -Beth

There are plenty of fish in the sea. "I dated a guy whose last name was Fish. People just had a BLAST with that one." -Kelly

So, why are you single? "I generally dislike this question. I mean honestly, if I knew why, I don't think I would be single right now, now would I?!" -Erica

You're too picky. "This may be true, but it feels like I'm getting criticized for my taste, vision, and close-mindedness -- when I'm already down." -Sarah

You'll find the right person for you. -Kelly

He's out there. -Kelly

It was just bad timing. "Like it's so easy to dismiss a guy on such an emotionless and objective reason." -Taryn

Just have fun with it! "Um, don't tell me how to date in my thirties when you got married at 24." -Maya

Have you tried online dating? "Duh!" -Elisa

He just wasn't the right guy for you. "I know! That's what I'm complaining about!" - Elisa

Well, when Steve and I first got together... "Wait, I still want to talk about me." -Elisa

When the time is right, you will meet someone. -Betsy

Wow, I wish I were single and in your shoes! "Really?! I'm pretty sure you CAN be single if you actually want to be. That there is an attainable dream, so if you aren't messing with me right now out of pity (which I suspect you are), please go for it!" -Kim

Your turn next [at weddings]. -Natlondon, via Twitter

It will happen when you least expect it. -dlegas05, via Twitter

Some guy is going to come along and ruin your career/life plans. "I am 32 and no one has ruined the last 10 years of plans." -frolicblog, via Twitter

But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend? "There's just no graceful way to answer that." -earnesteats, via Twitter

It just wasn't meant to be. "Any of these platitudes are exponentially more annoying when coming from the mouths of smug marrieds." -Reberoodle, via Twitter

Sure, Steve rescues kids from abusive homes, donated my sister a kidney, and picks up fresh flowers for me daily on his way home from work, but will he QUIT IT with the sports on TV already? "Single people just hate to be complained to about petty relationship stuff. If you do this, I'm not going to want to hang out with you. (In fact, maybe I'll call Steve and ask him if he wants to watch the Yankees game?)" -Kim

Bottom line, if you're in a relationship or married and you don't have any specific, original advice or wisdom for your single friend -- and you must use an established saying -- we would prefer to hear neutral ones like, "This too shall pass" or "Take it one day at a time." They are so much more helpful and comforting -- you have no idea!

Also of note: not one person I polled mentioned they were tired of hearing, "He's just not that into you." I think that's because it's not condescending. And apparently, it's not overused. So that one is still OK to say. Thanks for listening!

Grrrrrr.

I spent 2 1/2 hours last night, cutting into my beauty sleep, to craft a blog about my feelings for the freakshow known as Heidi Montag. The woman scares me. In fact, I have so many feelings about her that it was hard to narrow it down. But I did. And I was so proud. And then I went to hit "Publish" and the stupid site kicked me to a login page, thus ERASING the 2 1/2 hours of wasted beauty sleep so I could try and remember my password! WTF Blogger!?!?

So. Once I calmed down from my fiery rage....Monkey hid......I went to bed.

I'm not a happy blogger today. Get it together Blogger, or I'll find a place to dump my toxic thoughts elsewhere.

F-ers.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

And I thought I was challenged in dating...

Uh.

Yea.

So let me ask you all something.

If you saw THIS picture on a dating site, would you say "Aw! How cute! Lemme check out his profile!"

Or would you say......"What...........the..............f**k." ??

Yea, thats what I said too.

The above picture is from an actual dating site. Oh. Yes. It. Is.

First of all, to all you married ladies out there.....HUG YOUR HUSBANDS AND THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT SINGLE!! (Ali.....COOKIE!) And if you are having problems in your marriage, seek counseling because TRUST ME..........(yes, its the truth)...........YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE OUT THERE.

Right now, I would rather be zipped up in a sleeping bag with rabid porcupines, covered in fire ants with Tabasco in BOTH eyes than be single. Let me be blunt.

It sucks.

A$$.

With all these dating sites, guys don't have to work very hard. Plus they have a never ending supply of fresh ponies to take out on the town. Some guys just use these sites as a bang list. Its kinda sad and it makes nice girls like me lose faith in the fact that there actually are good guys out there.

I started internet dating back in 1995 when Match.com was Love@aol. Yea, I've been on there....that.....long. Over the years, I have tried all the sites. Eharmony, Chemistry, Match, OkCupid, FitSingles, etc. If its existed, I've been on it. All these years later, there are still the same guys on there, with the same pictures and the same bio. Albeit, 25 pounds later.....and no, they have not updated their pics.

I'm just tired of it all. I'm ready to settle down. I'm tired of the d*uchebags and the pics of themselves with their car and their sunglasses and the tough look on their face. I'm tired of the pictures where the guy is so far in the distance that you aren't sure if its a dude or a tree. I'm tired of the pics of the guys with girls hanging all over them. REALLY? Yer on a dating site and you've got a gaggle of drunk bimbs hanging on you? Do you think OTHER girls think thats hot? I'm tired of the guys with empty profiles saying "I don't feel I need to tell the whole world who I am. If you want to get to know me, just ask."

Ok. Let me get this straight, you aren't going to write anything on your profile and you want us to CHASE you and ask you to open up a WEE bit about yourself? Hey buddy, if you aren't going to take a moment to give us a glimpse of who you are, then we aren't going to take the lazy way out and even email or "wink" at you.

Don't get me started on the laziness of the "wink". Basically you don't even have to craft a sentence. You just click "wink" on someones profile that you like and then they get an email that says "(So and so) just winked at you! If you'd like to strike up a conversation with them, simply reply with something short and encouraging, like “Thanks for the wink! What's new?”

Um.......why?

Ugh.

I could go on about this........for.......ever.

In the meantime, I'll keep patrolling the grocery stores, trying not to say something retarded to the hot guy in produce like "Haaalllalllaaaaaaaa...uh....huuuaaa....." and then run for the door.

Ali, I'm writing you the check for your kids college fund so they will take care of me in the old folks home while I'm still mumbling...."Haaalllalllaaaaaaaa...uh....huuuaaa....."

Are you a Sugar Addict?

I've come to a realization.

I am a sugar addict.

I know sugar is socially acceptable......and it tastes REALLY, REALLY good.....and its cheap to get......and its easy to sneak....except trying to open a Snickers in a quiet room full of people......

BUT, there are many sugar addicts out there and they just may be your next door neighbor. Or they may just enable your habit by inviting you over after they've knocked off a cupcake store. So.....well, okay, so they are addicts too. But who isn't? I mean, I blame the Girl Scouts. And yes, I was one. But who offers up the most ridiculously delicious cookies RIGHT AFTER we have all made our resolutions to get skinny?

They are pushers. PUSHERS!! And don't let the little sashes, sweet smiles and high pitched "Do you wanna buy some cookies?" fool you!! PUUUUUSSSSHHHHHEEERRRRSSS!!! Run FAR AWAY FROM THE MIDGETS SPORTING TOOTHLESS SMILES AND SHINY EYES! THEY ARE HIGH ON SUGAR PEOPLE!!!

Just in case you aren't sure if you are an addict, read below.....and weep.....then eat a box of cookies......and when the high wears off......eat another box of cookies.......then weep some more. You may be surprised what an addict you truly are!

Most sugar addictions start with casual or social use of sugar. For some people, this is as far as it goes. For other people, using sugar becomes a habit and use becomes more and more frequent. As time passes, you may need larger doses of sugar to get buzzed and deal with that annoying co-worker across the hall. Soon you may need the sugar just to feel good. As your sugar use increases, you may find that it becomes increasingly difficult to go without it. Stopping may cause intense cravings and make you feel physically ill (withdrawal symptoms).

Sugar addiction symptoms or behaviors include:

• Feeling that you have to eat cookies regularly — this can be one or several boxes (esp. Girl Scout)
• Failing in your attempts to stop using the sugar
• Making certain that you maintain a supply of cake, candy, ice cream, etc.
• Spending money on the box of Thin Mints even though you can't afford it
• Doing things to obtain sugar that you normally wouldn't do, such as stealing from kids Halloween bags
• Feeling that you need sugar to deal with that annoying coworker ACROSS THE HALL!!
• Driving or doing other risky activities like playing Twister when you're under the influence of sugar
• Focusing more and more time and energy on getting and consuming mass quantities of sugar

Was there some head nodding? Some tears? Face it, you're an addict. Its the ugly truth and the quicker you face it....well, or the quicker you can get the dustbuster out to vacuum up the cookie crumbs off the couch to hide the evidence!!

You have to get your life back. You have to say "no'! You have stand up and say "NO MORE COOKIES YOU EVIL LITTLE DEMON PUSHERS FROM HELL!"

Or meet me at my house.....

.......I still have a box of Thin Mints in the freezer!

Taxes and Valium

Ah, tax time. Every January 1st the clock starts and the panic sets in. Because I have a day job AND a failing side business (thanks George Bush), I have to have everything sorted out in Quickbooks. (Refer to the blog about the call to Sam at Intuit.) Luckily my partner in crime of all things fried and delicious (and sugary), Lauren, is skilled in the accounting department, so she helped me enter all my credit card and bank statements. If I thought I was just retarded in the social department, I was dead wrong. I'm even MORE retarded in the banking, numbers, adding, subtracting and wondering what the F a 'debit offset' is department! Yea, Lauren got to watch me nervously wring my hands as she tried to explain some things to me. You see, when I was a kid, growing up in a house of intellectuals, I used to just say "I'm an artist! Leave me alone!" Us creative types are fuzzy on all things logical....although Lauren is creative too.....hmm, oh well, blows that theory out of the water.....but, I'm just thankful SHE gets it, cuz I REALLY don't!

Now here's the thing about valium. I don't take any drugs. Ever. Not even the recreational kind. I've never smoked pot, never popped a pill just cuz and I barely use Tylenol and the like because.....well, it usually doesn't work. But the few times that I have had surgeries and they've started me out on valium......I liked it. A LOT. I became the Mayor, or Miss America as I was wheeled down the hall, waving to everyone and cracking jokes. I thought I was funny! And I probably just slurred words like a stoned crazy person, but I was having fun. So with the impending doom of finding out how much I owed in taxes this year, I was really wishing I could hang with Prince Valium until the big reveal. But I didn't have any and thats not how I roll anyway, I face things HEAD ON!! And I was sure this was going to be another collision of epic proportions!

Anyhoo. So I rolled up to my accountants office last Saturday and before I put my purse down I begged, "Please!! Be good to me this year!" He said "Aren't I always?" to which I replied "Yes, but I need you to be SUPER EXTRA good to me this year!!"

You see, for the year 2008, I spent half the year as a 1099 freelancer and the other half on staff with my day job. So last year I ended up owing the state about $1000 and I owed $12,000 in federal taxes. Yea, I heard you say ouch and you ain't kidding! Thats a big, grab your backside "OUCH!". I had told Lauren to pray that I only owe 4 digits this year instead of 5, so I was hoping for a total of anything less than $10,000. It was a rough year and to make matters worse, my day job cut our pay by 10% so I was making even LESS in 2009. I guess its good cuz its less taxes, but I just felt the pinch all year!

So my accountant plugged all the numbers in and with my losses from my side business (thanks George Bush), which never seems to help much, I was sure I had wax build up because I swore he said that I only owed $1300 to the federal and the great (broke) state of California owed ME $350!

I'm sorry......

.........WHAT?

Wait.......

You have to repeat that, cuz I just hallucinated....

"You only owe $1300 federal"

Really?

Are you sure?

No, no, the decimal point is in the wrong place...

...it has to be.....

Did you add that up right?

Did you hit the wrong button?

I always owe A LOT more! That can't be right.....

"You were on staff all last year and so you paid a boat load in taxes so this is right."

I never wanted to kiss a man like I wanted to kiss this man! Poor thing, I probably scared him. I think he could smell I was contemplating jumping over the desk because he nervously rolled his chair back. And then I remembered that I was getting some money back from the STATE!! So I basically owe about $1000! And since I thought hell was descending on me, I had already saved that much up! This is the first year that I can pay my taxes ON TIME!

OH HAPPY DAY!!!

I was so in shock. I had spent weeks having anxiety in my sleep. Waking up at 4am worrying, worrying at the grocery store, the laundromat, the movies, the frozen yogurt shop, the gym. I spent weeks strategizing how I was going to come up with $10,000.....sell my kidney? Pimp my car out as a taxi? Going door to door with a sandwich smock putting those tree trimming fliers on apartment doors? (Get it? Tree trimming fliers for apartments? Yea, I get those all the time....and no, I have no trees.)

I had worried myself stupid.

And then I remembered it.

Something a very wise and VERY handsome man had said.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

Write that down.

So the skies have parted and the relief has set in and I am just so glad that I can relax now. Phew.

Lemme say it again.....

PhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwWWWWWWW!!!!

Oh look.....cookie!

April Fool's Day!!

Yea, I don't really have anything to say about April Fools Day itself, except that I was researching office pranks last night and I saw where someone put a stapler into a Jell-o mold and left it on their coworkers desk! Thats some funny stuff right there! Laughed till I almost peed myself!

Or you can just check out this site that tells you the "how to" and has pics of lots of other things suspended in Jell-o! Good times!

http://www.jellostapler.com/

The downside to being a social retard....wait, theres an upside?

Today I'm going to talk about something that has plagued me my entire life. Its a little something I like to call "Social Retardedness". Before anyone pounces on me about the political correctness of the word "retard", lemme just tell you that I am different in a social sense. Or you could say challenged....or.... hell, people, I'm freakin' retarded.

All my life I have been scared of people. Scared to say hello, scared to smile at someone and TERRIFIED to start a conversation with a stranger! I suck at small talk and have even had panic attacks about making phone calls. Even something as innocuous as making an appointment for a massage scares me because I have to actually talk to a stranger. When I was a kid, I used to make my sister call the movie theater to get showtimes.....back before the internet.....and probably newspapers....oh, wait, newspapers were BEFORE the telephone....ok, yea, I'm not THAT old.

Anyway, you get the point. I have tried desperately to squeak through life trying to be invisible and not actually even have to say good morning to my coworkers each day. Its completely irrational I realize, but for some reason I feel that people are going to yell at me, tell me I suck, tell me my outfit is horrible or I smell or something. I dunno. Makes no damn sense because I actually shower most days, I don't suck (actually pretty cool) and am quite clever at crafting nice outfits. It wasn't until college and I started partaking in the "beverage", that I realized its fun to talk to strangers and talk to people about all sorts of subjects. But since drinking isn't a super cool way to show up to work, or drive to the mall, or anything else for that matter, I live in the social retard zone most of the time.

But its funny how my social retardedness affects others. Just when I think I'm probably the most socially insecure person out there, someone one ups me by confronting me about why I NEVER say good morning to them. Do I not like them? Do I think they smell? Do I not care about their life? Do I just not want to be friends with them? And yes, I ACTUALLY had this conversation with someone last week and as you can imagine, I sat there dumbfounded.....staring at them......as if they had a big hairy mole......just below their lip. And boy, did I have to get creative with my answer.

Actually, it wasn't too difficult.

I outright pointed my finger at my evil friend Social Retard and asked if they noticed that I don't say hello to anyone? (Nope, they never caught that. Thought it was only them) I then reminded them that since they had ripped me a new a-hole a few weeks earlier about something so benign and trivial that I was now scared to say hello to them because I was afraid (bi-polar) that they may freak out on me again about something. [spinning fingers around my ears "crazy"]

Yea, okay, I was nicer about it, but I did tell them that it had nothing to do with them and that I would make an effort and I was sorry they felt that way. To which they responded "Well, don't say good morning now just because I said something!"

Hmm.

Uh.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Yep, nope, nothing but shear anxiety now about how to handle this one.

*sigh*

No wonder I'm single.

Which brings me to dating.....man, I could blog about this for a week.......do you have a week to read this? Yea, me either. But anyway, heres the scene.

INT. NIGHT - 7pm at the Grocery Store.

Me: (thoughts) I think I'll just stop by the grocery store to pick up a few things since I hear there are lots of cute single men at the store in the evening.......WOW! There ARE a lot of cute men in the grocery store at night! And theres one coming this way! Aaaaannnd, I'm looking at the floor......and I'm checking out........and I'm leaving. Why am I leaving!?!?

This is the part that annoys me endlessly. I never make eye contact, I act annoyed that there are people in my way and I practically RUN out of the grocery store....why? Because some cute man is going to run after me to get my number? Because I've watched too many God damned movies? Nope, wrong, wrong, wrong! (Well, right, on the too many movies) Because I am a social retard and I will actually get a horrible, wicked, wretched case of DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH if a hot guy actually starts a conversation with me! Then I'll say something stupid and I'll look like a freak (or retard) and they will go "Yep, nope, crazy." [spinning finger around ear]

So I spare myself the horrific scene that I would, no doubt spend weeks, months and YEARS playing over in my head and beating myself up about. But being a social retard is a lonely existence and its a lot of effort to try and blend into the background and not be noticed. Plus, I never realized how much my trying to be invisible actually messes with other peoples insecurities.

But the world is scary and until being drunk all the time is acceptable, I will soldier on, hugging the wallpaper and thanking God I can actually look up movie times and MANY other things on the internet! Whoever invented the internet gets two BIG thumbs up from me.....

......the social retard.

Don't yell at me..........(retreating into my cave)

Sometimes I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, hate my job.

Being a trailer editor is a really great, fun and challenging job. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. Using music combined with picture to create moments is a passion of mine. When I was in film school, I wanted to edit music videos, but I think this is actually better.

Here's the part of my job that I hate though. I hate that I can't tell anyone what I'm working on and that we basically get no recognition for it. When people hear what I do they invariably ask "Oh! So I'll see your name in the credits?" Uh...yea, no. See, motion picture advertising doesn't have credits.....anywhere. In fact, some of our clients ask that we (editors) not display their trailers or tv spots.....anywhere. Sorry folks, but I need to have a reel to show potential employers so you got to suck it up on that one. But still it stinks that I can't even TELL people what exciting things I am doing so when it comes out I can say "Remember all those weeks I worked on that? Well there it is!"

I also hate that you get to know different people in the industry involved in the projects you work on and you can't even say to them "I loved the costumes you made" or "Your dancing was amazing and you always stuck out in the group dances". Well actually, I COULD share my thoughts with people that worked on the projects at the production level and friends and family.....if I want to lose my job and be black listed from the industry.

It really sucks because although I don't do this job for the recognition, it sure would be nice to be able to share it with people and also shower some recognition on others that worked on it. But instead, we have to all act like we don't know each other.

I just feel so restricted and held down. I'm having so much fun with this latest project, but I can't........tell.........anyone. So instead I get so frustrated that I almost get mad at the project. The best part is that the movie isn't coming out for SEVERAL months so I have to keep mum. Its like being put in a straight jacket with a gag. After a while you get so irritated that you'd dislocate your shoulders just to get out of it!

But..........I guess...........in the end..........an out of work film editor with dislocated shoulders would be no bueno.

*sigh*

So I'll soldier on saying nothing.

Stinks.

Quickbooks

Aahhhh, software! My favorite subject! Well, okay, it would be if I were trapped on a deserted island and the only thing to read would be a leaflet of installation instructions that had just washed up on shore. Yea, usually those manuals get tossed aside as I throw caution to the wind and just start clicking on stuff! WOOOHOOO!! Look at me! One finger installation Ma!

Since its tax time and I love, love, LOVE taxtime! *coughB*LLS**Tcough* I opened up my Quickbooks 2006 in my brand spanking new, adorable, precious Mac laptop with the rip roaring new OS Snow Leopard. Yes, I was all set and all psyched to import all my bank statements that I had downloaded for 2009. So quick! So easy! So not happening.......

As I open my latest Quickbooks file from 2008, strange things were a-happenin'. Going back over previous transactions, I stumbled upon things like an entry for something I purchased that no longer had an amount in the charge column, but instead in the deposit column it said *overflow*. Huh? What the F is that? If I actually clicked on the entry, the amount would show, but if I clicked off, our lovely *overflow* was back. But my FAVORITE was a deposit that I had apparently made at a grocery store for $38,573!!! REALLY? Who knew you could make a deposit at your local grocery store! And btw, not a bank branch in the grocery store, but the ACTUAL grocery store!

Something ain't right. Time to call for backup.

So I call Intuit and get some guy named "Sam". Uhhhh....yyyeeeeeeaaaa. He was clearly East Indian and not in my time zone. (I was calling at 9:30pm on a Sunday) If he was in India, what is that.....4:45pm the following Tuesday? I'm no good with those time zone things. Yea, whatever.

Anyway, I explain these odd happenings to....."Sam"......and he cheerfully informs me that QB 2006 isn't compatible with Snow Leopard and that he can help me right away to get the latest version on my new shiny, happy, laptop.

Me: "Hey Sam. How much is this gonna cost me?"

Sam: "Well, you see for $169 we can get you upgraded tonight and this will include technical support, but we will wave that for you at this time and its normally $79"

Me: "Wait, so its $99?"

Sam: "No, its $169."

Me: "But wait, you just said....uh, nevermind."

Sam: "Ok, so do you want to upgrade now?"

Me: "Hey Sam? Why am I seeing QB 2010 online here for $130?"

Sam: "Well you see Miss Kira, it does not include the technical support..."

Me: "Sam? You just said the technical support fee was waved."

Sam: "Yes, Miss Kira, and we can take care of this right now over the phone...."

(Are you confused about those prices and what the hell is transpiring? Yea, I was too. Sam was making no dern sense, I was completely turned around and I just wanted to get off the freakin' phone!)

Me: "Hey Sam? I don't have $170 to blow out my @** right now, so I guess I'll just be doing my taxes on my old laptop....and then at some point buying QB 2010 online from somewhere thats CHEAPER!"

Sam: "Yes, but Miss Kira, it will not include the technical support for which you will have to pay $39.99 each time you call with questions!"

Me: "Uh, Saaaam? I bought QB 2006 back in 2006 and its now 2010 and this is the first time I am calling you."

Sam: "Yes, but Miss Kira?..."

Me: "Sam? Still doesn't change the fact that I don't have $170 to blow out my @**. But thanks anyway."

Sam: "Ok, well can I get your email address so that I can send you a log number for this conversation?"

Me: "Sam? I don't really need a recap of this conversation, but thanks anyway. Plus I don't like to give my email out."

Sam: "You don't want email updates from Intuit about our latest....."

Me: "Sam? Yea, no...not really. Just more crap that I have to delete. I won't read it. I promise you."

Sam: "Well, can I verify the email address we have on file?"

Me: (defeated) "Sure"

Sam: "We have Kira425 @adel...."

Me: "Oh yea! You can have that one! Its my old one and you are more than welcome to send emails to that one all day long! As many as you'd like! Knock yourself out!"

Sam proceeded to keep me on the phone for another few minutes as I buried my face into the couch, trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness that just unfolded.

I wonder if no one calls Intuit......EVER! Sam seemed bored and hell bent on keeping me on the phone. Although, I highly suspect that QB 2010 has several bugs that would require frequent calls to Intuit.

*sigh*

Moving on.

So I fired up my aging, decrepit old Mac and tried to import the transaction files from my checking accounts and credit cards. Funny, they weren't showing up in the register. After a little digging on Wells Fargo's website, I figured out that the first year they support QB for Mac was the 2007 version. Dern. So close.

Needless to say.......I had to suck it up and buy QB 2010.

And no, I did not call Sam, I bought it online for $130!!