IM-ing instead of getting off me arse!

Why is Zac Efron on here? Read on and ye shall find out!

Ah, Thursday. Not quite Friday and certainly not Tuesday.

Last night, I had grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner with my partner in crime.....for eating junkfood that is, Lauren. She's also my new dog Monkey's dog walker. I'll tell you the story of Monkey at a future date. But basically he came into my life in January of this year. It was time. Anyway, Monkey adoooooores Lauren and goes bananas when she shows up at the door. I try to pull my best Cesar Millan to keep him sitting as she enters, but its hopeless. He sees Auntie Lauren as endless fun and who am I to rain on his parade of banana-ness?

Yaaaaawn. Its a slow day. I'm waiting on one graphic for a project, but before that, we are actually waiting for the client to approve the new look that we did for this round of tv spots. I've been bored so I made sure all my time was entered and up to date for billing, as well as shopped for computers and translated a french menu for my birthday dinner. Now I'm sleepy and feeling like I am going to need a Diet Coke to perk me back up. Something.

Just got a Blackberry today. My first. Came via Fedex after a 2 hour conversation with Verizon a few days ago. I wanted one with a camera, but I had to get a "World Phone" for the trip to Paris/Greece. What a waste. I'd keep this damn thing if it had a camera, but it doesn't and you know how you always need a camera while out and about, so upon my return, I am returning it for the Blackberry WITH a camera. Silly, petty crap. Why can't they just make one with a camera and call it a day? Oh, right, thats the Storm. The worthless touch screen phone they came out with. Useless to those of us who have nails! So I'm letting this thing charge up and have to hit the Verizon store this weekend to get someone to transfer all my numbers. In the meantime, I guess I better get all the pics off my old phone. I hate having to go through this every year or so. Although my Razr lasted like 10 mins, or 4 months, take your pick. Talk about worthless. Enough of this.

During lunch Anna* IM'ed me, she's my producer, about the graphics we are waiting on and after a few back and forths, it dissolved into a conversation about my Paris trip. Anna has been there several times and sometimes goes for a weekend just so she can get some good sleep on the 10 hour flight! She's crazy....in a good way. Anyway, we were IM-ing back and forth and she finally typed "would you just come in here!" I was thinking I should get up and walk the 30 feet to her office, but sheesh, talk about lazy!! That's me! Is that what 40 is about? Not wanting to walk to 30 feet so that I would actually have to do less to have a conversation?

I posted yesterday on my Facebook that I am a social retard. And I am. I have interwoven myself into the Facebook/Twitter worlds. Being anti-social WHILE BEING social has never been easier! I'm following the challenge between Ashton Kutcher and CNN to see who will be the first Twitter of the two to get 1 million followers. Right now I think CNN is ahead, but only by 10K and both are in the mid 900,000. So its close. I'm even following Anderson Coopers tweet and as much as I love him, I'm only following Ashton and want him to win over CNN. The good news is, whoever wins is helping out a charity. Ashton is donating $100,000 to Malaria No More for mosquito nets and I have no idea what CNN is doing. But also if Ashton wins, he said he's ding dong ditch Ted Turners house. I'd really like to see that! Hahah! Little things amuse me.

Oh and I loved this a few weeks ago, so I'm repeating it here. OMG@Yahoo posted pics of some fashion disasters and at the end of it was a pic of Zac Efron promoting his new movie "17 Again". He wasn't making the worst dressed list, it was so random and the caption just read: "You're weekly serving of Zac Efron. You're welcome."

So there you go. You're welcome.

(*name changed to protect the innocent)

The closing Door

Just a moment in the day.  An exhale.  I don't think I honestly breathe enough.  Last week, the world was coming down on me so much that I noticed I was holding my breath....while driving.  Doesn't seem like the best way to exist while doing 70 on surface streets....for those who don't live in LA, 70 on surface streets gestures up a cough with a "b*llsh*t" disguised within it.  Ok, but the point is, I wasn't breathing. Which meant I was probably so distracted that I wasn't paying attention.  The good news in all of this is that it was probably one of the few times I wasn't enveloped in road rage.  A true rarity for me indeed. 

Why have I held my breath?  Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?  The lottery numbers to be read?  Waiting to see if the outfielder catches the hit?  No.  I'm waiting to see if the door is really closing.   Sure feels that way.  

Here's the thing.  In exactly 10 days, I am being catapulted into a new decade and I'm not sure if I like it.  On April 25, 2009, I will be 40 years old.  

There.  I said it.  I never thought I would mind 40 because, well, I was super excited to turn 30!  Couldn't wait!  Told everyone!  Threw a huge BBQ and invited everyone!  Even got a bottle of Patron from a friend!  Along with a lot of soap and lotion. (Note: don't give someone soap and lotion.  Two things:  It says you don't know them very well or aren't paying attention  AND it implies they smell.  Moving on.)

I'm spending my 40th in Paris with my family.  The best way to think to spend it....considering.  Considering what you may ask?  Considering I'm not married or have so much as a boyfriend.  And this is where the world comes down.  I've done this to myself.  No one to blame but me.  Well, I could blame one person, but we'll leave her out of this because its up to me to get over my fears.   Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not dreading spending my 40th with my family, I love them and am really excited to travel with them, but I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have a best friend and significant other in my life.  What if I had kids?  What if I had my career, my husband AND my kids? Forty wouldn't be so scary.  The door is closing on the baby maker.  

All my friends keep telling me, "Oh but you don't look 40!  You look great!  Why are you dreading it when you look amazing?"  Let me say this once and only once......BECAUSE THE BABY FACTORY IS CLOSING ITS DOORS AND IT HASN'T EVEN PRODUCED ANYTHING!!! 

I'm not afraid that I look old, I'm afraid the babies will never come and I'll be that old lady living with her dog.  So sad.  And with that comes the official end of youth.  When you can no longer produce children, you are no longer youthful.  I am thankful that I look early to mid 30's.  REALLY THANKFUL, but the problem is, I also attract the 20-30 something male crowd that just want to party like a rockstar and I've already been there, done that and done it REALLY well.  

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the husband.

I'm ready for the babies.

I'm ready for the new life.

I'm ready to give up the 2 seater for a 4 door.

I'm ready.

But turning 40 and having none of those just makes me sad.  As we make dinner reservations for that fateful night, I can't help but feel like its a last supper.  Almost as if my life is ending on that day.  April 26th will not come for me.  I will cease to exist.  Ok, well, my youth will cease to exist.  But it feels bigger than that and bigger than me.

As I spin out of control into my 40th birthday, I just pray that I can get out of my own way long enough to still have hope that all my desires are attainable.  Don't know if I can though.  Many years of disappointment have left me sans strength for that kind of crap.  Its so discouraging because anything else in my life, anything I have ever wanted or dreamed of, I have made happen.  Master manifestor.  If I wanted it, I made it happen.  But this eludes me.  It haunts me, taunts me and pokes fun at me.

If I can have one wish for my birthday, its for a family of my own.  A loving husband who is down to earth, sensible, a great provider, caring, strong, faithful and above all, my best friend.  And of course, my kids. Two biological and then 2 adopted.  A big family, with joyous Christmases and holiday getaways.   I know it looks like I am asking for 'perfection' but thats not it.  I want the regular challenges and I want to get through them with my family.  It can only make us stronger. 

So on April 25, 2009 while blowing out the candles, I will make my one wish and spend the last bit of hope I have into making it come true.

Wish me luck.